Jeff Black, who owns restaurants such as Addie’s, Black’s Bar & Kitchen, Black Market, and BlackSalt recently opened Pearl Dive Oyster Palace on 14th Street, a lone oyster shucking house on the DC corridor. Step in past the doors and you instantly get the feeling of having stepped into a weathered Cape Code restaurant that’s served hundreds of thousands of people over the decades, rather than a restaurant that’s just opened a not more than a couple of months ago. Indeed, every detail is put together to compose a tribute to the fresh seafood shacks of New England with reclaimed distressed wood walls to rickety chairs that feel as if they could collapse beneath you if you leaned at just the right angle in one.

The restaurant reads almost entirely of seafood dishes, which is great if you’re looking for food and not a discount warehouse for jewelry robbed from shelled mollusks. That being said, you shouldn’t shy away from the land dishes like the Braised Pork Cheeks. This dish explores the tenderness of the often overlooked pork cheek and complements it with a creamy bed of stone grits, flavored with a vibrant chipotle-ham hock broth.

For those looking to get down with the rawest of raw oysters, you’re in luck. The restaurant offers a wide array of varieties hailing from both the East and West coast, although having heard the server list out the different kinds twice, I simply noted that there were ‘regular priced’ ones and ‘more than regular priced’ ones.

Our table took a dozen of the former, and you know what? They tasted like raw oysters. Deliciously raw, with almost no discernible aftertaste, I would have gladly eaten the entire dozen myself if I weren’t sharing the plate with several others.

photo by Jonathan Bruskin

The cooked oysters are equally as good if not better, especially the Angels on Horseback. A quartet of oysters wrapped in strips of bacon and grilled, then served in a vin blanc and vinegar reduction. Amazing, succulent, and full of flavor. The salty slight crisp of the bacon exterior gives way to a juicy oyster inside, with the vinegar and vin blanc pulling the flavors together for possibly the best oyster dish I’ve ever had, although I might be slightly biased because of the bacon. I would, however, have several other suggestions for a renaming of this dish, including:

• Angels on Piggyback
• A Mermaid and a Pig Walk Into a Bar
• Unicorn Bacchanalias in your Mouth

photo by Jonathan Bruskin

I took it upon myself to be the judge of just how good the restaurant’s Oyster Po’boy was, but I needed a comparison ready at hand. Thankfully, the restaurant also offers a C.E.B.L.T. Po’boy (fried catfish, over easy egg, bacon, lettuce, tomato) and, being your diligent gastrohead, ordered both as my main course.

You might think of it as a little extreme, I just call it ‘a regular dinner’. The oysters used in the Oyster Po’boy (pictured in the foreground) as deep fried to a golden brown and served with housemade pickles, a spicy cayenne aioli, and served on Leidenheimer bread (THE bread to use for a Naw’lins Po’Boy) for something as good an authentic Po’Boy outside of Louisiana. It’s greatest challenge, by far, is that the C.E.B.L.T. is leaps and bounds better, with deep fried pallets of catfish, a creamy pocket yolk and strips of bacon to match.

Advantage, fish.

You’re given the option of having a side salad or fresh cut fries, neither of which were a disappointment.

There are a number of other dishes available, including mussels, seafood gumbo, duck confit, grassfed hangar steak, and more mysteriously, the Que Sueno de los Gatos, or, ‘What Cats Dream Of’, a large dish of Pearl Dive Seafood Stew served with Shrimp, Redfish, Squid, and Mussels in a Saffron Milk broth.

There’s not much to dislike here, if at all. The service is outstanding, the seafood is standard setting, and the large open bar that spills out to the sidewalk makes it the perfect place to meet up and have a quick drink or bite on the warmest of District days. If that’s not enough, there’s a separate Prohibition Era dressed bar upstairs called Black Jack, and rumor is that there’s two bocce ball courts on the premises, too.

Being that Jen’s not exactly keen on meats, anyone want to take a visit with me? First drink is on me.

 See Pearl Dive Oyster Palace on a map here. Recommended For:

• Fans of the Mollusk
• Pescetarians
• Paleoheads
• First Dates
• Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Not Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Mikimoto Mavens
• Frugalistas
• Barnacle Barry

The Foggy Bottom area has for the longest time been a vacuous hole on the map for better places to eat. The area shares a number of tenants, the most notable being George Washington University. With the recent installation of a Whole Foods nearby, the area has been opened up as a new destination, and District Commons hopes to remedy what the area needs.

To start, the build out of this restaurant is amazing. A large, open space with black and white photos of dapper gentlemen adorn the walls. The furniture is, by contrast of the vintage imagery, extremely modern, reasonably comfortable, and the accompanying decor rich with textures and hues. The restaurant sits on Washington Circle near GW Hospital, so make no mistake with the number of varying addresses floating out there on the interwebs. I even commented my appreciation of the slate stone walking paths that cut across the median islands dividing the roads nearby, perfect for pedestrians hopping across like us.

The menu has a wide mix of food that include flatbreads, mussels, and a number of Americana entrees. I quickly eyed out the Pig Board, which comes out true to form, on a pig shaped board, served with prosciutto, creamy Vermont Butter, Acadiana biscuits, and pickled cherries. The pig board takes the emphasis off of just the meat, sharing the spotlight with the accoutrements that come with cured ham. Unfortunately, the biscuits were a bit too hard and dry, indicating that the recipe could probably use a good deal more butter or lard. The pickled cherries were interesting and unique, but didn’t quite go well with the ham, and didn’t quite go well with the biscuits. The real problem with these cherries would manifest itself much later, but I digress. The ham itself was delectable, and the butter was as smooth as one could ask for.

Jen didn’t fare as well with her appetizer, the White Bean Soup with Cheddar Cheese Beignets. She felt that the dish really lacked substance and flavor, while I thought it did have a good garlicky, beanish flavor, just something that was more on the subtle side. Being served in a cup was a nice touch, and I tipped it up to my lips as I polished off her soup for her.

For her entree, Jen ordered the Vegetable Pot Pie, a deconstructed pot pie in a cast iron pan that I’ve seen done before, with a flaky, warm pastry on top rather a crust being baked directly on top. Again, Jen found the dish lacking in flavor and more importantly, in serving size. She’s thankfully a light eater, but had it been me ordering this dish, I think I would have been a bit more upset that I was getting a second appetizer trying to pass as a main course. “Cute” isn’t something I’d want to call sitting on a plate in front of me, but oddly enough it seems fitting for this dish.

For my entree, I hesitated between ordering the Pork Rack Chops and the Roasted Duck “Low & Slow” before taking our server’s suggestion and opting for the latter. I’m glad I did. One half of a roasted duck, piled high over a wild rice and sweet potato hash with a roasted pepper to top it off. The duck here is out of this world tasty with a sweet sorghum chili glaze, although the skin could have used a crisp texture to offset the moist and flavorful meat below. Still, a very, very good recommendation on my server’s part and a saving grace for the restaurant from the appetizer before it.

There are plenty of desserts on hand as well, including this Roasted Marshmallow Sundae, served with chocolate ice cream, roasted homemade marshmallows, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

Now this is where I have to go and bring up old shit. Having been scarred after eating the vinegarish pickle cherries on the Pig Plate, I had it in my mind that this was yet another pickled cherry on top of my sundae. I knew it wouldn’t be a pickled cherry, I told myself it wasn’t a pickled cherry, but my mind kept screaming back at me.

“IT’S A PICKLED CHERRY ON YOUR ICE CREAM! ENJOY YOUR VINEGAR INFUSED SUNDAE, JERKFACE! OH MAN YOU’RE GONNA GET PICKLED!”

I actually ate half the sundae scooping around the cherry before finally just eating the damn thing. No pickled cherries, but they do look exactly the same. Pickled cherry. Sweet cherry. One looks like a cherry. The other looks like a cherry.

I hate my overactive imagination.

But boy do I love food. I mean, I really, really, riiiiiilly love food.

I think District Commons will do great just where it is, breathing new life into what could be a hotspot for GW students, and a great place for the students to take their parents for dinner on campus visits. There still needs to be some work done on the menu from my point of view, and for being placed near such a liberal school, it’s surprising that there’s not a wider selection of vegetarian options, or a stronger set of vegetarian options, at that. One soup, one flatbread, one small pot pie dish. Completely fine with me, but not the most accommodating menu for the non-meat eaters like my woman. Sad. The bar scene should be huge for grad students to meet up and unwind after evening classes, as it lends a lot to the area as far as being a viable drinking platform to make poor decisions and calling in sick the following day.

The service is average, with our server completely forgoing bread service to our table, as we noticed towards the end of the meal with the tables around us starting to get their gluten loaves served with their meal. Not a big deal for me, but again, for Jen, it really cut down on the available food for her to eat.

Would I go back? Probably, but with reservations about the consistency of the menu, and only if it were suggested as a spot to eat with companions rather than something of my own choosing. I still think that this place has promise and could really anchor the area as a place to visit.

Bonus Tip: At 10pm, the bell rings for Family Meal, where the service meal is opened up to the public. Each night offers something different, but they all look like delicious meals your imaginary television show mother used to make. Only better.

See District Commons on a map here.

Recommended For:

• GW Parents
• Zone Dieters
• First Dates
• Late Night Drinks

Not Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• Vegetarians
• Messy Public Breakups
• Ladies who fall at the top right of the Vicky Mendoza diagonal

You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you can not fool anybody with that turkey bacon shit you’re serving us, bro. -Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln the Restaurant celebrates the life and times of Abraham Lincoln the U.S. President, through food, drink, and kitschy decor. The first you’ll notice walking through the doors of the restaurant is, that, well, you’re now inside a restaurant. Obviously. But take a closer look around, and the more minute details come out, such as the copper coated bar, resembling only what would best be described as simultaneously ‘the color of Abe Lincoln’s bowling ball and his ’84 Coupe DeVille’. The floor is completely tiled from end-to-end with copper pennies, and an oversized white leather bench sofa with penny pushpin details  serves as not only one of the largest seats in the restaurant, but a gentle remind of Abe’s giant marble chair at the Lincoln Memorial. It is with this great attention to detail that one can’t help but wonder why there aren’t more presidential themed/named restaurants in the area. Cross dressing servers at Hoover’s? Why not?

The food is served in the small plate style that has run amok among restaurants, allowing you to get a wide sampling of tastes without really ever really digging in an enjoying a full course of a meal. The upside is that if you do order something that doesn’t appeal to you, then the odds are that you can order something else that does. The downside is that you can and will likely order something that doesn’t appeal to you, and you’ll still have to pay for it.

Still, I guess I prefer hedging my bets and going all in on a nice sized plate of food, but sometimes you have to just go with it.

The tater tots with dill sour cream and American salmon roe are delicious and a slight feat to pop entirely in your mouth, with just enough details to make it fancy, but not stray too far from its simple roots.

The Pennsylvania Duck Sausage Roll is also a must have, a high brow version of Pigs in a Blanket, served with a bucket of mustard for dipping, and topped with microgreens for just a bit of color. The natural fat of the duck keeps the sausage succulent and flavorful, perfectly contrasted with the warm, crisp flakiness of the dough encasing it.

Other notable dishes included the Farmhouse Macaroni’n'Cheese, a single serving cast iron skilled filled with macaroni, then generously coated in a hot mess of smoked gouda, parmesan, and bubbling hot sharp cheddar cheese, a must have for any cheese eating surrender monkey out for a meal.

One of my favorites of the meal was a deconstructed version of the Chicken Pot Pie- a cast iron pan filled with chicken, spring peas, carrots, and celery, finished with a fresh soft and flaky pastry stove pipe top hat. Lincoln would have been proud.

The Lobster Beignets are another win for the restaurant, gently fried chunks of lobster served in a creamy aioli sauce with heirloom tomatoes and english peas. I did feel that the portion was a bit on the smallish side for this dish, but that simply forced me to savor each bite that much more.

And if you didn’t feel like you had enough duck from the Duck Rolls, you can always order the Coffee Rubbed Duck Breast, served with plum, walnuts, and a farro salad. Tender, juicy, and full of awesome for your belly.

That’s not say everything is mindblowingly great here. The Citrus Marinated Beet Salad with pickled gooseberries and horseradish creme fraiche failed to impress me, nor did the Watermelon Salad with endives, feta cheese and olives

The same could be said about the Poached Arctic Char (pictured top left), even with the help of several strips of prosciutto wedged in between the broccoli florets and golden raisins. The Braised Pork Belly (pictured top right), normally a sure fire win for me, lacked the crisp texture and ended up being really living up to what I know pork belly can be.

The Heirloom Tomato Risotto (pictured bottom left) with goat cheese also seemed a little deflated, but there’s only so much you can do with risotto, I suppose.  Finally, the Maryland Lump Crab Salad (pictured bottom right) was a reasonable dish, served as a roll, but didn’t impress enough to recommended it to anyone as more than a filler.

Lastly, the desserts here aren’t amazing, but if you’re still hungry, they’ll get the job done. I recommend the Peach Crisp a la Mode over the Funnel Cake with Berries, of which the latter looks more like something you’d end up cleaning out of your hamster’s cage after a few days of neglect.

Overall, I enjoyed eating here and paying tribute to the great 16th President of the U.S. There’s enough of a variety here to find something you like, and the cuisine strikes a nice balance between your favorite down-home comfort foods and a fancy place you could take your parents to while they’re in town. The noise levels tend to get a bit high when it’s busy, but you can always opt to sit outside for people watching when the weather’s nice. Service is reasonable and pleasant, but nothing remarkable, which is sometimes all you could ask for in a good meal.

See Lincoln on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Groups and Troupes
• Birthday Dinners
• Comfort Food Cornucopias
• First Dates

Not Recommended For:

• Tour Buses
• Vegetarians
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters

If a restaurant opened up with a focus on healthy leaning junk foods, would you be willing to support them? Superfood enhanced pizzas, nachos, burgers, and more, all designed between a chef and a nutritionist.

Welcome to FunXion. The concept is a restaurant that caters to the health bent types such as myself, despite all the deliciously trashy things I eat on the weekend for your pleasure, as well as mine. The food here is prepared without oils, salts, or added sugars, a unique take, and requiring considerable  creativity in the kitchen to make things that will still pass as delectable to the majority of diners.

Despite these hurdles, FunXion is able to still come out on top. The chips and guacamole are different from your standard corn chips, but not so significantly that you’d stop more than a momentary pause to recognize the difference, and get back to your regularly scheduled noms. The buffalo nachos, with ground buffalo meat, chili, cheese, and vegetables, doesn’t seem to fare as well, with the chips going soggy far before you’ve gotten through the entire plate.

The sliders are fantastic for being a healthy version of a Krystal/White Castle burger. Definitely try the sirloin sliders, and if you’re feeling like a bit adventurous, try mixing up the meats for a double patty slider, such as the buffalo sirloin or the portabello and sirloin. The point is, get the damn sirloin already.

The pizzas aren’t going to make a run for the best pizzas in town, but if you’re craving a pie without the complete wreaking of havoc of your body, I can’t think of a better place to go out and get one in the area. The music was thumping a bit too loud for me to be positive that I heard it right, but I’m pretty certain that the dough is made with antioxidant rich acai berry, something I’d never consider throwing into the second hottest Italian export known to humankind (the first being, of course, the late Bea Arthur. RAAAAAWR.)

Speaking of the ol’ oontz-oontz-oontz, FunXion turns into a lively place for drinks and dance club beats just around 10pm, so make sure to get your food in early, unless you plan to stick around a mingle after. The service is extremely accommodating and friendly, as our server/night manager not only took down our order without writing a thing, but made sure we had everything we needed during our meal, but also simultaneously handled the transition of the restaurant into night-time lounge.

There’s plenty of wine, beer, liquor, AND health food drinks available, so don’t be afraid to try a couple to help wash down that food. And the photos? Sorry. The decidedly pink and red lights completely ruined my shots, so you’ll have to go and check it out for yourself.

On a final note, the prices here are more than reasonable. Jen and I stuffed as much as we could into ourselves and still didn’t spend as much as you’d expect to pay at any number of other places in the city. A huge plus. I’d definitely like to go back and support this business as much as I can.

See FunXion on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Zone Dieters
• Vegetarians
• First Dates
• Frugalistas
• Lean Cuisine Eating Machines

Not Recommended For:

• Paleoheads
• Pastafarians
• Finicky Feeders
• Chinese Tour Bus Drop Off Destinations

Burgers, burgers, burgers. Who knew (besides Anthony Bourdain) that a really well-crafted burger would be one of the most sought after foods in the early 21st century? With the resurgence of popularity of everything Americana as of late, it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise for anyone at all. With an abundance of variety and style in the District, there’s no true king- it all comes down to preference.

Enter Shake Shack. With an already saturated market of burger joints, the introduction of this New York chain was met with great fanfare…and weekday lines that wrap around the block. Championing the roadside burger model, Shake Shack prefers to serve thinner patties, albeit of the highest quality of beef- 4 ounces of pastured, vegetarian fed Sirloin beef, topped with American cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and Shacksauce on a potato bun, served in a mess-free waxed paper bag. I opted for the double Shackburger, an 8 ounce portion of meat, which seemed to suit my eating habits a bit better.

I also ordered a side of the Shack-cago Dog- a split and grilled Vienna all-beef hot dog, topped with onions, tomatoes, cucumbers, pickles, peppers, yellow mustard and celery salt, served on a potato bun, and a Peanut Butter Shake to match. Never one for being a glutton, I had to pass on cheese fries, but maybe the next time around.

What’s good? The burgers, through and through. While I only got to sample the Shackburger, there are smaller and larger options available on the menu to suit your taste, and the combination of very high quality beef with a potato bun is near perfection in terms of fast food deliciousness…the burgers do meet the hype.

The restaurant also offers a vegetarian friendly ‘Shroom burger for those who still want the deliciousness, but without all the cow. Don’t think this one comes up short, with a crisp-fried portobello mushroom cap filled with munster and cheddar cheese, topped with the same tomatoes, lettuce, and served in the ever crucial potato bun.

The Shack-cago dog, on the other hand, was sorely lacking in presence. Overwhelmed by the massive amount of toppings with a paltry dog hiding underneath, you can give this one a miss.

The shakes here are beyond a doubt tasty, served in a waxed paper cup that was two gusts of a wind from collapsing from the sheer mass of the contents inside. I can only imagine what a Concrete, the Shake Shack’s thicker version of their milkshake, would do to a cup. You can choose a malt option as well, mixing it up with a variety of flavors to choose from, including vanilla, chocolate, peanut butter, strawberry, or black & white. Concretes take it up a notch, with local creations such as the Presidental Sweet (three scoops of vanilla custard, peanut butter sauce, marshmallow, and caramel milk chocolate), the Washington Monu-mint (three scoops of chocolate custard, minted marshmallow, and chocolate cookie dough), the Majority Whip (three scoops of vanilla custard, crepe crispies, fruit, and whipped cream), or make up your own.

If milkshakes, malts, and concretes aren’t your thing, a number of beers, wines, fresh brewed ice tea and root beer are on tap.

Lastly, don’t be scurred to come by with your dog- the Pooch-ini, a chilly Shackburger dog biscuit with peanut butter sauce and vanilla custard, is available for four legged friend. But what the hell you’re doing walking your dog through Dupont Circle in the first place is completely beyond me.

Quality comes at a premium, so expect to pay a bit more than your traditional fast food joints, but the experience is completely worth it. My inner fat kid says, order two double Shackburgers and a concrete, and you’ll go home happy.

See Shake Shack on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Burger Buffs
• Casual First Dates
• Late Night Noms
• Funky Cold Custar-ina

Not Recommended For:

• Meaty Interventions
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Frugalistas
• Half Smoke Champions

Mike Isabella, the former head chef at Jose Andres’ Zaytinya, has found himself at the celebrity chef’s table after a very strong performances on Top Chef and Top Chef All-Stars. He’s taken the momentum and opened up his first restaurant, Graffiato, on the east side of the Verizon Center and Chinatown.

The restaurant offers small plates, pastas, and pizzas with locally sourced ingredients, a promise that I find appealing given my localvore leanings. Farms are listed proudly on a chalkboard at the upstairs dining room over the kitchen.

There’s a lot to like about the menu for Jen and me, so much that decided to go right in with the tasting menu for two to get a sampling of Isabella’s favorites. The cheese plate, to start, is an excellent selection of locally sourced dairy. We sampled a cow, goat, and sheep cheese that’s accompanied by a generous serving of sweet, tangy mustard. Three for three great cheeses and not a single one being a letdown on the plate.

Jen’s longstanding campaign against peppers precluded her from trying the Blistered Sweet Peppers with me. Seasoned with smoked paprika, capers, and topped with microgreens, the sweetness plays well against the acidic background and the smoky undertones. I really wished I had a hotdog to go with all of this.

Jen did split the Honey Glazed Cippolini with me. A sweet, roasted, medium sized cippolini onion, cooked with whole honey glazed garlic cloves, served with rosemary and onion seeds, I found myself scarfing down the cloves while Jen took down the onion.

We started in on the pasta dishes, first with the Sweet Corn Agnolotti. The pasta is very similar in preparation to ravioli, but traditionally smaller in size. Each pasta bite rewards your mouth with the sweet taste of corn, mixed with pine nuts, chantrelles, and of course, incredibly fresh pasta. A dish like this meant to be shared, but I found that I wanted the entire plate to myself. Jen’s pretty good at paying attention to what I like and how fast I start eating it, so she took didn’t hesitate to go in right after me.

The Roasted Potato Gnocchi is an absolute must, with braised pork shank and burrata cheese. The kitchen was accommodating enough to separate out the meat for Jen but still serve the pork on the side for me. WIN WIN. You mean I have to eat twice as much pork as I normally would because my girl’s not gonna have any of it?

OKAY.

Burrata’s a delicate, almost creamy cheese, much like a softer mozzarella. A great cheese to go with the chewy texture of the roasted gnocchi, and the tender pulled pork shank is unbelievably delicious.

The pizza menu is full of exotic selection, and none seemed more exotic to the both of us than the Countryman Pizza. Made with black truffles, fontina cheese, and served with a duck egg, the wait staff breaks the yolk tableside and spreads it evenly across the pizza canvas for an exceptional pie. Given the fact that I tend to only eat pizza at some of the better pizza places in DC due to my paleo eatin’ ways, I’m pretty happy to say that this pizza is right up there with that crowd. If there’s one problem I can single out with this, it’s the pizza stand. The pizza stands are horribly unsteady, as we saw at least two other tables have their pizzas topple over as the last few slices were taken and the balanced weight of the plate came crashing down to the table.

The sole meat dish delivered to us was the Chicken Thighs in Pepperoni Sauce with cherry tomatoes and basil. Holy hell, what’s up tender chicken? Several chunks of moist, tender, juicy, dark chicken in a hearty (and meaty!) tomato sauce, and another home run for Mike Isabella. Chicken tends to be the ‘safe meat’ (kind of like safe word, but then, totally not) on most menus, but here, it stands proudly as appealing of an order as any of the other meats on the menu.

The closing dish, which we dug into before I remembered to take a photo, is the house 24 Carat cake – a carrot flavored panna cotta that comes chilled and served in a tumbler. Who knew carrot tasted so good with a cold cream?

There was some sort of mixup between our waiter and the kitchen, as we sat with the check and I did the math in my head, the individual plates we got as part of the tasting menu simply did not add up to the cost of the two people eating the tasting menu. Both Mike Isabella (who came personally table to table to to talk to us about our meal, and his pretty badass collection of tattoos) and the GM worked it out with us, and we were both pleased at how accommodating and easy it was to work out with the two of them. The service otherwise was great- empty plates were quickly taken away, there was never a significant lull without another plate being delivered.

There are several dishes we sampled that I’d love to have again, but the menu offers enough variety that I’d have a hard time not trying out some of the other dishes, like the Pork Ribs, Octopus, or the Jersey Shore pizza, served with fried calamari, tomato, and a cherry pepper aioli. The pizzas are by the best value on the menu, and you won’t find yourself disappointed.

See Graffiato on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Paleoheads
• Vegetarians
• First Dates
• Summer Dress
• Localvores

Not Recommended For:

• Weight Watcher Wandas
• Vegans
• Organic Orangutans
• Cheese Eatin’ Surrender Monkeys

Brasserie Beck is a Belgian inspired bistro by Robert Weidmaier, the mastermind that’s also behind the French/Belgian restaurant Marcel’s. The interior of the restaurant certainly feels European, almost like a fancy train station where you can catch a quick cup of espresso, pick up the latest International Herald Tribune, and run off to catch your train.

The fare here is very well executed, with a strong focus on sauces. The Fricassee of Mushrooms with Spatzle served with a Toasted Baguette and Poached Egg is a standout for presentation and taste, and a great way to start out a meal. This unique dish really melds a variety of tastes and textures well, from the selection of mushrooms swimming in a rich, buttery sauce, to the crispiness of a warm toasted baguette, with a single, perfectly poached egg perched on top. I love poached eggs, the predecessor of  molecular gastronomic gels, the way you can open one filled with a thick yolk to soak up with bread.

Jen ordered the Tomato Bisque with Goat Cheese, Gnudi, and Fried Basil to start- a hearty bisque without the traditional emphasis on cream in the soup is a nice change, and something to warm your soul on the coldest of days. A really fantastic way to start your meal off on the right foot, the whole leaf basil crisp is a nice touch to bring some color and texture to this soup.

Being the diligent foodie, I doubled down appetizers and got the Mushroom and Spinach Crepe with Gruyere Cheese as well. Well, to be truthful, I ordered this as my original appetizer, but the waiter brought out the Fricassee after I had posed a question about it before he took our order. Nothing short of being completely accommodating, he quickly went to put in an order of the crepe for me. Absolutely class.

The downside? The gruyere was molten lava hot. I had to catch myself from forcibly ejecting the first bite from my mouth it was so hot, and rather unpredictably so. Maybe the steam rising from my first incision should have tipped me off. Maybe this satchel of mushrooms, spinach, and gruyere magma wasn’t what I was expecting when I ordered the crepe. I could say maybe about a number of things, but I really just didn’t enjoy this dish and its play on a traditional expectations of a crepe. With the cheese being as hot as it was, it really made this hard to eat, leaving me with a parting gift of a burnt palete.

Don’t let anybody ever tell you being a foodie isn’t dangerous work.

The dinner menu does not offer a wide selection of vegetarian plates for entrees, unfortunately, with the number of options to choose from hovering somewhere around zero to none. The kitchen does present the option of creating something for herbivores, which looks something akin to the plate below. A mix of sauteed squash, cauliflower, green beans, and other assorted garden greens, showered in a generous application of salt and served with a small handful of fresh frisee. The dish still holds an exceptional elegance about it, but vegetarians may find this dish lacking in substance. Not turrible for being an off the menu accommodation, but then, not so great, either.

I ordered the Braised Lamb Pappardelle for my main course, which was exactly as the menu described. Braised Lamb. Pappardelle. Two things I really enjoy eating.

As it turns out, they’re not are things I enjoy eating when they’re served together.

Braised lamb in itself is wonderful, the way the meat tears with a gentle pull of a fork and without the need for a knife, cooked for hours on end to break down the protein structures to make it tender. With pappardelle, I really dig the wide cut noodles, the way that they swim in cream sauces and stick together if you fail to add the right amount of oil. In other words, a giant block of pasta, much like a noodle kugel. But the pappardelle here doesn’t turn out that way, rather, it’s a heaping mound of pasta served in a thin tomato based sauce, piled high with chunks of lamb, pearl onions, peas, tomatoes, fresh grated cheese and chives. That’s it. I didn’t feel like the texture of the wide noodles on this plate were really the other flavors of the meat or the tomato sauce. It was simply a large plate of food, which is fantastic if you’re absolutely voracious, but does little in the way to make you reflect and think, “Wow, that was a really good dish.”

True to Belgie form, the restaurant also specializes in a variety of mussel pot preparations, along with an encyclopedic listing of beers and wine. I can’t say we had a single dish that didn’t at least have some thought put into it, and the wait staff was overwhelmingly accommodating, if not a bit stretched thin covering tables. As good as everything looks on paper and on film, I can’t shake the feeling that this is the sort of place that you go for the alcohol first and the food second, not the other way around.

I’d love to hear the opinions of a Belgian expat or tourist to get their take, but I doubt we’ll ever end up going back.

See Brasserie Beck on a map.

Recommended For:

• Bougie Beer Drinkin’ Bromances
• First Dates
• Mollusk-uclear Gastronomy
• Meeting Your Significant Other’s Parents For the First Time

Not Recommended For:

• Vegetarian Valeries
• Frugalistas
• Kickball League Pregaming Four Loko Fantatics
• Meetup Location to Plan on Rioting After Your Hockey Team Loses

For Jen’s berfday, we headed over to the fanciest of fancy raw vegan restaurants in DC, Elizabeth’s Gone Raw (EGR). Well, I don’t really know of any other raw vegan in restaurants, period. So keeping an open mind and walking in through the french doors of the restaurant, I looked forward to my first raw vegan meal.*

The pre-seating event involves servers floating around with plates full of delicious appetizers, usually served on a gluten free cracker using alternative flours such as flax seed or sesame. I saw everything from dill to olive pate, roasted peppers, house made pesto, and even a savory sweet melon shooter.

Every person checks in at the front door with their reservations made in advance, and you’re brought to your table upstairs which may be shared with other diners, and leads to meeting some interesting and likely equally health conscious people, such as two lovely ladies that sat across from us. I’d suspect that if you pressed the reservationist over the phone, you could finagle a private table for two for a special occasion.

EGR  serves titanic bowls of  kale chips, baked with some sort of spicy vegan cheese like mix. These kale chips are definitely pro level chips, and the bowls of kale come as fast as you can eat them. Thankfully Jen and I had other people at the table with us, or I’d have taken every almost emptied bowl and tipped it to get all the crumbs at the bottom into my mouth.

The first course was a salad with a spring mushroom blend (yellow and blue oyster, beech, hen of the woods, and royal trumpet) tossed with boston lettuce and sunflower sprouts. Who knew sunflower sprouts could be so good? It’s topped with a truffle vinaigrette made with shallots, garlic, celery, macadamia nuts, coconut milk, apple cider vinegar, truffles, EVOO, agave, and nama shoyu, and finally topped with a smattering of gluten-free crackers. The complexity of jumbled textures and tastes of this salad is something of experiencing a symphonic explosion in your mouth.

The main course is an olive cannelloni with parsley salad, served with dressing and a heirloom tomato-basil relish on the side. The cannelloni itself is made with coconut water, coconut milk, and flax seed, wrapped around an olive filling made with scallions, lemon juice, macadamia & pine nuts, celery, and nutritional yeast. The relish, a classic combination of tomatoes, red onion and garlic tossed with red vinegar and chives, accentuates the flavors of the fresh parsley salad.  Finally, a semi sweet dressing made of apple cider vinegar, agave, and EVOO bring it all together to make, despite whatever the restaurant wants to call it, a vegan burrito. I know burritos have rice and beans stuffed inside, and those might have even helped this dish out a bit. While it was made with incredibly fresh ingredients and impressive to be completely dairy, gluten and meat free, this one wasn’t as good as either Jen or I had hoped. For me, it was the fact that it was just wasn’t satisfying; for Jen, it was because she despises olives.

Dessert is a generous slice of cacao layered mousse cake with goji berries and topped with a reishi mushroom powder, once used in tonics for emperors and kings. The cake is made with almond milk, agave, maple syrup, vanilla extract, coconut oil, almond powder, cacao powder, maca powder, and goji berries, while the chocolate mousse layers are made with vanilla extract, almond milk, maple syrup, and cashew flour. While I really liked the chocolate mousse layers, I found that the actual cake layers in the cake were too rich and heavy for me, without necessarily being sweet. In that sense, I did like the fact that it wasn’t over the top sweet, but I ended up scooping out and eating all the mousse and leaving chunks of the cake on my plate. I looked over, and Jen had done the exact same thing.

I knew I liked this girl for a reason.

The menu here changes seasonally as fruits and vegetables become available, speaking to the freshness of the ingredients, and the creativity of the kitchen. While the entire meal kept its promise of being gluten, dairy, and meat free, it does not fall short on flavor or quality of many of the upscale restaurants in the District.

We were constantly doted on by a number of people including the owner, Elizabeth Petty, herself. The service, however, is a mixed bag. Plates are cleared and accommodations are made, but there was considerable confusion with having all the wine glasses for the wine pairing brought out at the same time; Jen had two wineglasses “refilled” with water, which we had to send back on two separate occasions. Having numerous attentive is something of a nice luxury, but the hustle and bustle of them darting around as fast as they can seem a bit madding. Overall, I’d say it’s very good here, with an opportunity for a bit of refinement. It probably doesn’t help to the fact that dinners are only served once a week, but that makes each meal here at Elizabeth’s Gone Raw that much more special.

Wine pairings are available at each dinner, which are organic, biodynamic, and delicious. That’s right, I called wine delicious, like a six year old calls a glass of grape juice. Deal with it, fancy wine drinkers.

See Elizabeth’s Gone Raw on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Raw Vegan Rhondas
• Hemp Growin’ Harriets
• Organic Only Olivias
• Meeting New People

Not Recommended For:

• Raptors
• Buffet Line Barons
• Frugalistas
• Quiet, Romantic Dinners

*Okay, I had a ton of beef jerky before we left for the restaurant. I may or may have not  stored several chunks of jerky in my cheeks. What? Don’t judge me. You never know.

Eatonville celebrates the life and works of 20th century African American writer Zora Neale Hurston, can be found directly across the street from Busboys & Poets, all part of the Andy Shallal restaurant empire in DC. The restaurant proudly offers the most southern of southern cuisine in an eclectic atmosphere of graffiti murals, delicate chandeliers, and rocking chairs for you to rock away the sweltering summer heat. Or at least rock away while people walking outside in the summer heat with the enormous windows that look out to the busy sidewalks of 14th street and beyond. The nuances of this restaurant just might make you reckon that you’re fixin’ to have a meal in somebody’s backyard, with picket fences, mason jar cups, and wood siding reminiscent your great great gran-ma-ma’s house.

If your great, great gran-ma-ma wasn’t some sort of ruthless dictator’s wife in Eastern Europe, that is.

The gumbo, made with crab, rock shrimp, andouille sausage and rice touts a little bit of kick with the faintest taste of peppers. The soup itself isn’t very thick and stays closer to a soup rather than a proper roux, but that suited me just fine. A bowl here is just enough to whet your appetite, but it lacks the heartiness, leaving you pining for more.

Jen ordered the Almond Crusted Charleston Toast, an impressive stack of thick cut bread, coated with slivered almonds and powdered sugar, then topped with a Grand Marnier fruit compote and a creamy dollop of sweet mascarpone cheese to match. I really liked the house’s rendition of the traditional french toast order, making it wholly their own, with a casual yet thoughtful presentation.

I’m a sucker for fried chicken, so I didn’t hesitate to take on the Callahan- a fried chicken breast served on a buttermilk biscuit with jalapeno-sausage gravy and accompanied by a serving of extra sharp cheddar mac’n'cheese and collard greens.

This dish was good, but, fell a bit below my expectations. Biscuits tend to be a bit on the dry side, which is expected, but I didn’t have any bit of jalapeno-sausage gravy to soak them in. That’s like throwing your three year old into a giant 200 gallon baby pool you’ve dragged home from Wal-Mart because it was on sale (ROLLING BACK PRICES, EVERY DAY!) but failing to filling the damn thing with water. Disasterous. I was expecting a giant pool of sausage gravy, and instead, I have the sub Saharan desert taking up an third of my plate.

To their credit, the mac’n'cheese is pretty good, as are the braised collard greens. I’ll make the most of a bad situation.

While I really like that Eatonville takes creativity and inspiration to their dishes, and even though I really want to love this place, I can’t say I’d wholeheartedly recommend eating here unless you’re a gambling type- dishes are very hit or miss. The service here is very good, and there always seems to be ample seating both indoors or out, if you prefer to soak in the sun. You can even come here and think about how the Eatonville, FL of Zora Neale Hurston’s youth is the home of everybody’s favorite Disney mouse today.

See Eatonville on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Gospel Grubbers
• VIVA LAS VEGAS!
• Panoramic Peoplewatching
• The South’n Hospitality

Not Recommended For:

• Biscuits’n'Graaaaaa…great expectations
• Paleoheads
• Sillystring Showdowns
• Freegans

Fiola is the new Italian restaurant in DC by Fabio Trabocchi, famous for his creations at Maestro in the Tyson’s Corner Ritz Carlton before the doors closed last year. Despite a slight mixup with the hostess losing our reservation, Jen and I were seated reasonably quickly for a weekend night. The buildout of the restaurant is of very high quality, with custom chandeliers, stone facade walls, and paneled wood walls as far as the eye can see. Despite the restaurant being given the high end treatment, some of the smaller details just didn’t work. Our first clue in was with the menus, with a sueded leather binding and thick, textured pages in between, neither Jen nor I ignore the fact that these were quite possibly the most flaccid menus we’d ever seen. The menu droops in your hand like…well, a sad flower (coughcoughpeniscoughcough) and the ink fails to adhere to the paper, leaving them virtually useless.

Thankfully, we received a different set of menus at our table than we did at the bar, ones a fair bit more legible. I’ll be the first to say that neither Jen or I would consider ourselves large, or even average sized Americans, but getting into the booth seating in between tables is virtually impossible unless you’re a size 0 as a woman, or, well, a size 0 as a man. I graciously took the chair seating at our table instead.

The bread service is a nice treat, a spiral shaped rolled bun that’s very reminiscent of a super fresh croissant, possibly the best bread service I’ve had in a long time. I’m sure the restaurant is quite aware of this, as you only get one to carry you through your meal, with just a tiniest bit of olive oil to accompany it. The olive oil to bread ratio is slightly disparaging, possibly due to the fact that I soaked up the entire puddle with one deft swab of my bread.

After several minutes of pouring over our menus, we decided to split the fried mozzarella balls, which turned out to be more a duo of mozzarella balls. These aren’t your Costco brand mozzarella digs. You know the kind I’m talking about, heavy on the bread, with a 75% chance of biting into… a hollow mozzarella case. Don’t you hate that ish? It’s like the stupid company that produces them should be selling “PARTY SIZED MOZZARELLA AIR BALLS” instead. Ridiculous.

Where was I? Mozzarella balls. Right.

These are fully and completely stuffed with a warm, chewy mozzarella, served in an sweet, aromatic tomato sauce and topped with just the perfect amount of parmesan. Absolutely amazing, although take care not to inhale these or you’ll miss out entirely.

Jen ordered the baby artichoke salad, which turned out nothing like either one of us had expected, not to say that’s a bad thing. The baby artichokes tasted like a cross between a typical artichoke and a radish, julienned and served with cheese (pecorino? manchego?) and a zesty green sauce of some sort.  A really fantastic salad, unlike any we’ve had before.

I ordered the Crostini of Cod, Tomato, and Oregano, served Fisherman style, based on the waiter’s recommendation. A trio of crostinis, each served with two hearty chunks of cod. A good balance on flavor, ingredients, and presentation, but I couldn’t help but feel a little bit underwhelmed after having devoured this dish. Maybe it was the fact that the waiter said it was possibly the best thing on the menu.* Maybe it was the fact that I was expecting a giant side of cod on a massive raft made of bread.** Maybe it just wasn’t that amazing of a dish.

Jen ordered the Pappardelle with oyster and royal trumpet mushrooms, a complete vegetarian’s delight. This dish carries itself like a meat pasta without the meat. Wide ribbons of pappardelle are mixed with chunks of sauteed mushrooms, then served in a savory brown sauce fit to satiate even the meat-eatiest of meateaters.

I had the Cacio & Pepe, a spaghetti chiatarra served with sheep’s milk based cacio cheese, crushed black peppercorns, and what amounted to a white sauce without the cream. Heavy without being overly decadent, and a well executed spaghetti dish, despite my initial reservations.

We skipped out on ordering desserts, but the kitchen graciously delivered a trio of sweets to each of us, with from left to right a chocolate chip macaroon, a mini gingerbread and caramel sammich, and jelly and shortbread biscuit sammich. All delicious, but both Jen and I agreed on the chocolate chip macaroon being the best of the three.

I’m at odds with the service here. While we never waited too long to order, to have our food delivered, or to have our water glasses refilled, our waiter never offered on a second glass of wine for Jen or bring plates for our either of our two rounds of appetizers without me expressly asking. The service has potential, but still needs a considerable bit of polishing and work. Despite a few gaffs, the overall experience was very good. Patrons tend to be on the well dressed side, so wearing at least a button down shirt if not a sports coat is advised for attending gentlemen. The damage is actually fairly reasonable for an upscale DC dining experience without the stuffiness, and despite entering a sea of Italian restaurants already flooding the streets of the District, I have a feeling that Fiola will do just fine.

See Fiola on a map here. (entrance on Indiana Avenue).

Recommended For:

• Pastafarians
• Vegetarians
• Paleoheads (there’s a ton of meat dishes here, too)
• Special Occasions

Not Recommended For:

• Thriftmasters
• Codependent Carls
• Stripclub-bound Downtown Hounds
• Zone Dieters

* He didn’t actually say that.

** I did actually hope for that.