Oh Mexico is one of nine restaurants owned by the V&E Group throughout South Beach and Miami.  This particular establishment was a referral by the concierge of our hotel as a decent place to get Mexican food for a light lunch, but still within walking distance of our hotel.

Now that I was well accustomed to the rules of dining at South Beach restaurants, Jen and I actually caught the Menu Girl off guard to seat us.  Usually it’s the other way around.  A pretty girl who I call, appropriately, the Menu Girl, is used as the bait for most restaurants to lure in passerbys (see also: men) in eating at a particular restaurant.

Having just missed the lunch rush, we got a great table along Espanola Way (where a heavy Latin influence can be seen, natch) for people watching and to enjoy the warm air.  The picnic style tables proudly show their patina in the Miami sun, as weathered as the sunscreen-free faces that skitter along the streets of the city.

Oh Mexico offers a vast array of specialty Margaritas that tend to be on the most expensive side at around $11 each, but definitely don’t skimp on the alcohol or quality.  Jen’s margarita gave me a buzz immediately followed by a wicked hangover just thinking about it.  A little bit light on the quantity, but these drinks manage to arrive as a veritable parade float nonetheless.

We split an order of the guacamole to accompany the fresh tortilla chips as our appetizer.  While it wasn’t really anything to write home about (which, I suppose, I’m doing right now.  Damnit.) it manages to be your standard array of fresh guacamole and a trio of salsas.  If you’re absolutely dying for some guacamole, this’ll do the trick, but given the opportunity, I doubt I’d order this one again.

Oh Mexico’s specialty are their Molcajetes – giant stone mortars filled with tomato sauce, vegetables, melted cheeses, chorizo, meats, and a side of soft corn tortillas.  The stone mortar helps keep this dish bubbling and hot well after being delivered to your table, with an impressive display of Mexicanery.

The meats were well prepared, and the spicy tomato sauce is literally making my mouth water just remembering how good this dish was.  I felt a little cheated in the cheese department, as the only cheese in this dish is about as much as you can see from the photo above, but everything else about this beef molcajete was a win for me.

While this restaurant isn’t going to win any awards, they do make an effort to create a unique dining experience with their own dishes and drinks.  As with most restaurants in South Beach, a 17% gratuity is included in your bill, and prices are a little bit more on the high range for lunch (the beef molcajete was $19).  The scenery is a little less exciting than what you find strolling along Ocean Drive, but the food is still satisfying to the last bite.  I’m certain there are better Mexican places that simply need to be discovered by Jen and I, but to satiate that craving, Oh Mexico fits the bill.

Oh Mexico can be seen on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Paleo heads
• Zone dieters
• Vegetarians
• Parade Junkies
• Margaritaville Mayhem

Not Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• Mexi-snobos

As we grow older, it seems to each of us that time passes in our lives at an exponential rate.  The truth of the matter is that our experiences become repetitive, and our minds filter out the mundane and normal.  Our first experiences are the ones that stand out over time, with each proceeding memory something that is subconsciously categorized as less of a memory but just a day as ordinary as other.  You’ll likely remember your first day of school, your first kiss, your first year of college, your first of everything, rather than your second, third, etc.  It is how we have evolved, learning from our first experiences to adapt to everything that live has in store for us thereafter.

With meals and restaurants, your mind works the same.  If you can remember certain food experiences, it was because that meal was in some way or form novel to you, and it “sticks out” among the crowd.

Barton G is one of those places that happens to stick out in my mind.  While it is formally called Barton G, the Restaurant, I would say that a more suitable name is Barton G, the Experience.  Nothing less would describe the meal you eat here, and Jen, having known this, picked this particular place for one of our last nights in Miami.

The restaurant itself is far and away from the busy lights and bustling streets of South Beach, tucked away like a forgotten love letter in the residential streets of South Beach.  I actually questioned Jen at several points whether we were actually in the right place, because there were literally no signs of any sort of business establishments for several blocks.  We finally turned a corner, and under dim lights, was the sign and entrance for Barton G.

The outside seating, if available, is by leaps and bounds better than sitting indoors.  Lush foliage surrounds you, as if you’ve been somehow transported to a secluded tropical destination, free of smoke monsters and mosquitoes.  We lucked out, without a heavy din of patronage that evening, and treated like royalty by our server, doting on our every question and order.

The menu reads like a sly inside joke, with quirky names for every dish offered.  Stabbing wildly in the dark, I opted for the Coconut Crusted Voodoo Shrimp, while Jen started with the Truffe-licious Cream of Cauliflower Soup.

The Coconut Crusted Voodoo Shrimp comes stuffed with crabmeat and a Japanese seaweed salad, served like lollipops in a ominous smoking brew and coupled with a Pineapple and Mango Chutney.  Photos simply do not do this dish justice, as it bubbled like a witch’s cauldron for most of the time it took me to finish these.

Best of all?  These are paleo.  If only all my paleo meals were this good.

Jen’s bowl of soup was less a bowl and more of a vat of Cream of Cauliflower Soup.  Standing at nearly 12 feet tall (or maybe a little bit less than that),  this was quite a heavy dish.  Rich and teeming with truffle flavor, I was enlisted to help Jen and take a few spoonfuls of this myself.  Not quite paleo because of the cream here, but very vegetarian, and even better, something that’s perfect for her given Jen’s affections for cauliflower.

For her main course, Jen ordered the Veg-G-Nocchi.  A fully vegetable themed dish served in a miniature wheelbarrow, the presentation was as good as the dish itself.  The “grass” are actually fresh sprouts, and fully edible, if not a bit …sprouty.  The ricotta gnocchi was very reminscent of my experience of gnudi-  soft, chewy, and soaked in the flavor of the creamy cauliflower puree, sauteed vegetables, and sunchoke chips.  Not as heavy as the preceding dish, but so good Jen couldn’t resist taking the whole thing down.

Courteously, the staff offered to remove the dish out of the wheelbarrow so she didn’t feel like she was eating right out of a feedbag on a farm.  That’s something more along my lines than hers.  What, you’ve never worked through lunch and strapped a feedbag to your face?

My entree, dubbed “This Little Piggy”, was a generous celebration of what the pig has to offer.  A large grilled pork chop on a bed of spaetzle, served with braised pork belly, a copper pot full of creamy brussel sprouts soaking in bacon and a dish of fresh apple puree, this is a pig lover’s dream.  The braised pork belly stands out as nothing short of spectacular.  the grilled pork chop, cooked to request, is succulent, juicy, and an eager recipient of a generous dollop of apple puree.  Spaetzle is actually an egg noodle, so unfortunately not quite paleo, but too hard to pass up.  The chewy texture and buttery taste resonated well with me, and paired with the cuts of pork, an unstoppable assault on my palette.  Amazing.  Even the brussel sprouts were fantastic.  Hearty and cooked to perfection, nothing on this dish did not perfectly complement everything else on stage.

And the dish?

Of course it’s served on a giant wooden pig.

Surprisingly, the two of were begging for mercy at the presentation of the dessert menu.  Each of the desserts enticed us, and the display of a 18″ giant ball of cotton candy to an adjacent table informed us that we were probably better off for not having gone the distance.

While the damage is a bit steep and might temporarily give you a bit of double vision, Barton G is nothing short of a first experience, and well worth the coin, in my opinion.  If I had a single complaint during our entire meal, well, it was the fact that it started to rain as we were leaving.  But that just leaves something for improvement when we go back, right?

Barton G can be seen on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Gastronoms
• Vegetarians
• Paleo heads
• Porker’s Delight

Not Recommended For:

• Zone Dieters
• Frugalistas
• Plain Janes

The La Provence in South Beach doesn’t particularly stand out among the various storefronts it finds itself shouldered between along Collins Avenue.  In fact, one could overlook this restaurant altogether, as I almost did, if it weren’t for Jen. We stopped into the sparsely decorated restaurant for breakfast on a sunny Miami morning, eagerly ready for our first meal of the day.

The front half the restaurant is filled with small tables for dining, while the other half holds a long display case of fresh baked goods and samples of the dishes offered.  The line forms just to the left of the display case with the register at the very back, giving you plenty of time to ogle and salivate over croissants, brioches, quiches, and fruit pastries.  I was intent on staying focused with my diet for this meal, so I quickly eyed the omelets on the menu.  They also offer to cook your eggs any way you want, but they omelets here are huge.  Coupled with the fact that prices are very reasonable, and gratuity is completely optional rather than automatically ratcheting up your bill an additional 17%, it’s hard not to declare this one of the better options for a daily zone or paleo breakfast.

All breakfast and brunch options come with a small salad and a chunk of house made french bread, but  tossing the bread and adding a generously portioned fruit salad to your order will have you good to go for hours until lunchtime.  The omelets here aren’t as unique or exotic as some places in Miami, but realistically, sometimes you just want a simple breakfast that is still well prepared and served to your table post haste.  La Provence accomplishes just that.

The salads here great, too.  I had the Chef Salad with no dressing and a side of oil & vinegar for lunch on a separate occasion, and was equally satisfied with my choice.  Not award winning, but still, easily a good value and something for those who are trying to keep their diet on the rails.

If you’re in South Beach looking for an alternative to the hundreds of pizza parlors and sandwich shoppes, this is it.

See La Provence on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Vegans
• Paleo heads
• Zone Dieters
• Frugalistas
• Cheese Eatin’ Surrender Monkeys

Not Recommended For:

• First Dates
• Screaming Children
• Screaming Adults

I’ll be upfront in saying that I’m extremely wary of the restaurants that sit nestled upon each other along Miami’s South Beach on Ocean Drive. I see them as tourist traps, thieves, charlatans, crooks, and slackers. And those are just the compliments I have for them. I’ve had numerous poor experiences, to the point where I’ll avoid eating along the famed street of rented Aston Martins (they really do rent Aston Martins to park in front of their restaurant and draw in onlookers) and convertible Seabrings (the tourist/businessman who upgraded his Hertz, but didn’t go all out on the uber premium Corvette ZR6).

So on this trip, Jen convinced me that my views of the restaurants on Ocean Drive just needed the right guide.  She happened to be it.  We searched around a bit and settled on the Front Porch Cafe.  We arrived at the empty hostess stand, behind a couple already waiting for table.  Several of the wait staff hovered underneath the giant faded awning, a dull off white plastic that bore the age of numerous days underneath the beating Florida sun.  The bored look on the staff’s faces annoyed me, as they were clearly not in any major effort to do anything beyond taking orders and bringing out the food.  Luckily, a few diners were wrapping up their meals and promptly left, opening up tables both for the couple ahead and us.

Jen and I were seated at a table and given our menus to peruse.

Let me rephrase that.

Jen and I were seated at a table for six, made up of three tables meant to seat two per table.  With the tip included in every bill, what’s the need to put in the extra effort of seating another couple at at the opposite end of the six seater?  Why put in the extra work?

Annoyed with the inefficiency, I was placated by the fact that the Front Porch Cafe serves breakfast and brunch plates well into the afternoon.  Our waiter, likely the brightest and hardest working of the lot, came by quickly and took our orders for tap water, as well as a mojito for Jen.  He quickly returned with our drinks, and we each ordered an omelet,  with me adding the request that I’d like a side of pancakes.

“We don’t do that here,” he said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“We don’t sell sides of pancakes.”

“Oh that’s fine. I wanted the full order of ‘em.”

You’re about to see something REAL special here, I thought to myself.

We enjoyed the view at our table- the cars blasting bass heavy beats driving by; the crest of the dunes of South Beach across the street; and the ever so popular characters that strutted along Ocean Drive.  Ocean Drive is home of some of the weirdest people you’ll ever see.  I even saw a man dressed as a slice of pizza walk by.  True story.

Our food came by quickly, and surprisingly, it looked amazing.

Jen’s Santa Fe Omelet was packed with refried beans, onions, and cheese in a giant fold of eggs, covered with fresh chopped cilantro and line, coupled with a large dish of fresh fruit and toast.

My Chicken Satay Omelet was no slack either.  Stuffed with chopped lettuce, chicken, peanut satay sauce and also served with fruit and toast, I was already unraveling my tight grip of hate hate hate of Ocean Drive’s restaurants.

The real killer here?

Two enormous wholewheat, oatmeal and chocolate chip pancakes, with enough fiber to knit a large winter jacket (I know that’s not what it is, I’m on a roll here, leave me alone) and even more fruit to boot.

Why did I even hold animosity towards these places in the first place?

The omelets were excellent.  Each full of flavor and totally unique.  I really enjoyed my chicken satay omelet, enough to the point where I’ll have to try making it sometime on my own.  Jen also polished off hers, and helped me hack away at the pancakes.  These pancakes are definitely not light fare!  Dense enough to blot out the sun and soak in lots of syrup, these things were delicious.  I’m a little ashamed to say that I couldn’t finish them, even with Jen’s help, but that’s more of an accreditation to the restaurant knowing my voracious appetite.

In retrospect, perhaps it was my lack of understanding of restaurants in South Beach operate that led to such poor experiences. There are a couple of rules you should understand, and hopefully, these will make your dining experience better, should you eat there:

1. Always specify that you want Miami’s finest water on tap when they ask you if you’d like sparkling or flat, so you don’t get an $8 bottle of Evian dropped by your table.
2. Gratuity is always included in the bill.  You should be more surprised if it’s not, and when the tip’s already in the bill, you should expect service that suits that sort of system.
3. Get a table outside.  You’re likely not paying a premium for the food or service, but the fantastic people watching of pedestrians walking by.  You’ll see some of the most amazing things clopping along.  My personal favorite?  A girl in her early 20′s strutting her high heels in tights…painted like denim.  I mean painted on pocket, painted seams, everything.

If you’re looking for a breakfast to take in some food, drinks, and the scenery, this is it.  Our waiter here was pretty attentive, which also made me relent on my negative impression.  Maybe there are spots along Ocean that aren’t so bad, but I’ll take them on a case-by-case basis.

See Front Porch Cafe on a map here.

Recommend For:

• Voyeurs
• Anthropologists
• Vegetarians
• Paleo heads
• Hangovers

Not Recommended For:

• Carb Counters
• Penny Pinchers
• Quick Meals