One of the things that I’ve been really looking forward to on our vacation in O’ahu was recommended by a friend, called the “Hole in the Wall Food Tour”. I was sold on the idea of being carted around sampling some of the island’s best “cheap eats”, which can be easily overlooked on a stay at an exotic tropical vacation. Jen and I had a bit of difficulty finding the exact pickup location of our tour, navigating the massive parking garage from our directions of the Ala Moana Center to the Ala Moana Hotel with just a few minutes before the start of the tour, but managed to hop on our bus just before the departure time and nothing but seconds to spare. We hopped on our tour bus, a large, black, luxury Mercedes Benz people mover, was already filled with the eight other tourists, along with our guides Matthew and Keira, proprietors of the Hawaii Food Tours company. Matthew’s pedigree includes a long career from an apprentice to an executive chef in LA, as a personal chef to celebs, and as the food and restaurant critic for the Star Advertiser, Hawaii’s largest daily newspaper. It would prove to be the exceptional resumé that really added the depth of knowledge and love for food that made our tour something beyond the ordinary.

Our first stop off was the Royal Kitchen, a small where we were treated to the baked manapua. The recipe takes the traditional baken Hawaiian sweet bun, and fills it with ingredients of your choosing. I opted for the savory Cha Siu (chinese barbecue pork), while Jen ordered the super sweet Black Sugar filling. I’ve had these types of buns at various dim sum locations back on the mainland, but none as piping hot fresh or delicious as the one I had here. I made short work of my bun and made googly eyes at Jen’s as she enjoyed each bite of hers, giving me the evil eye for quietly calculating how I could get it away from her hands.

As we loitered about in front of the restaurant, Matthew and Keira peppered us with tidbits of history and trivia, giving some color and personality to the area and time understand that the island has a rich history that doesn’t simply revolve around leis, luaus, and dolphins. So there. Suck it, dolphins.

Before we left, a short Chinese woman (are there really any other kind?) came running out with a styrofoam box and thrust it upon Matthew with a string of inaudible words, to which he thanked her, and presented to us with a box of sliced, roasted Chinese barbecue pork. If there’s any meat that can beat out bacon for me, it’s this stuff. I had many childhood summers in Hong Kong plowing through pounds upon pounds of this stuff, and to this day I start making prehistoric grunting noises of delight whenever I come across a particularly good serving of it. While Royal Kitchen is definitely known more for their baked manapuas, they’re no slouches when it comes to their pork.

Our next stop on the tour was Liliha Bakery, such a historic landmark of O’ahu that it was even used as the backdrop for one of the scenes from ABC’s television show Lost (the diner in Season 2 where Kate had a flashback of meeting with her Mom).

 The crown jewel of Liliha Bakery is their Coco Puff pastry – a round pastry shell nearly bursting and overfilled with a chocolate pudding, and topped with a supersweet chantilly frosting. Another dish in the tour where I nearly devoured the food whole, and jealously eyeing Jen’s food. The tension was palpable. She silently cursed me and I relented, leaving to enjoy her food in peace. These things are meant to be eaten without hesitation. The flaky pastry was already on its way to a soggy disintegration as we ate them outside the restaurant, and I doubt they’d make it all the way back to our hotel room, whether due to the nature of the pastry, or me getting my grubby hands all over them to shove them into my mouth.

Our next stop was where we’d spend a majority of our time on the tour, Honolulu’s Chinatown, which I credit to being much more of a real Chinatown than DC’s Chinatown has even proven to being. The streets are lined with diminutive shops and open air markets hawking fresh seafood and plentiful, inexpensive produce. If you’re going to be in Oahu for a significant amount of time, this is the place to do all your shopping and avoid the “sticker shock” of imported produce from major supermarkets on the island.

We were given a behind the scenes look at the Ying Leong Look Funn Factory, a dying industry of hand made noodle factories. The process is amazing, watching sheets on sheets on sheets of noodles get steamed and hand folded, then served delicious strips coated in sauce and fixin’s. Seeing things like this always interest and amaze me, the will the dedication of masters of older generations tenaciously holding onto their craft doing things the old fashioned way, things that shouldn’t be forgotten entirely, but are, all in the name of modernization. I’m a sucker for nostalgia not of my own.

We sampled three varieties, the shrimp & spring onion, pork & spring onion, and plain, along with a heaping portion of Korean BBQ chicken from Jackey’s Kitchen in the Maunakea Marketplace. The Marketplace was filled with tons of vendors of shops hawking fresh, exotic fruits and vegetables of all kinds. After a 20 minute shopping spree, it was back to sampling the foods that Keira had gone off order and bring back to us, a circle of foodies intently listening to Matthew describe each food and awaiting our turn to get our sample, all the while blocking out curious locals looking to possibly grab a free sample of their own.

The first tray being filled with “Half Moons”, or steamed dumplings filled diced vegetables and meat in a gelatinous wrapper and served with a sweet dipping sauce, while Jen was served a deep fried banana coated in a sticky caramel sauce.

Next up, a Hawaiian specialty – a small bucket of Ahi Poke (pronounced pokey), tender chunks of raw tuna served in seasonings, along with Spam Matsuba, or spam sushi, another island favorite meat. We also were treated to two varieties of Hawaiian Gold pineapple, one sprinkled with a salty sweet li hing powder, and the second, plain, which was just as great on its own.

The last tray, a serving of apple bananas, a variety of bananas that are ripe only when the skin looks bruised, beaten, and way past its prime. Deceptive, no? The flesh of the banana was actually perfectly ripe, and not in the slightest bit mushy, with a distinct taste that I could only describe as a cleaner tasting banana. Along with those were a plate of Coconut Tarts from the Rainbow Tea Stop in Chinatown. The tarts were good, but surprisingly, I enjoyed the bananas a good deal more.

To wrap things up before moving out and visiting other shops, we had a Keira cocktail – a cold lychee-pineapple-vodka smoothie, with just a hint of li ning powder. BAM! I passed on the vodka, knowing that I would have landed flat on my face just a few steps away if I had indulged.

Our last stop was off to Leonard’s Bakery for a box full of malasadas. These infamous deep fried treats are akin to donuts in their appearance, but with a light, fluffy texture when they’re fresh, and sprinkled with a(n) (un)healthy dose of sugar. The bakery also offers an cinnamon sugar variant, along with custard filled ones as well. The custard fillings change throughout the year, and flavors include macadamia, pineapple, banana, mango, guava, and lilikoi, a flavor that’s not unwholly like passionfruit.

There were several other places we visited on our food tour, entirely too many for me to mention and not make this into a full out novella. The experience was without a doubt unique and enjoyable, not only for the food, but for the energetic and pleasing nature of our guides, Matthew and Keira. If you’re visiting in Oahu, I definitely recommend taking a trip around Honolulu with them.

Visit the Hawaii Food Tours website here.

Recommended For:

• Gastronoms
• Honeymooners
• Beachlovin’ Brünos
• Adventurous Palettes

Not Recommended For:

• Salty Sheilas
• Hangry Harriets
• Zone Dieters
• Steak’n'Potato Joes

The pure novelty of automated sushi cuisine fascinates me. Machines that cut perfect sheets of rice, conveyor belts that serve as a moving feed trough, and Japanese animatronic robots that creepily sing and dance for you like in your childhood nightmares, all of these listed can be found at Genki Sushi. Well, maybe I went a little bit overboard there. No robots.

The setup at Genki is simple.  You have your option of sitting at a booth and ordering from a menu, or you can sit at the rectangular bar, where a large conveyor belt snakes around with plates of various plates of sushi.  Each plate has a specific color, which corresponds to its price.  The prices vary, but remain much lower than any place I can think of having eaten on the mainland.

Every sushi dish here isn’t going to be the most amazing roll you’ve ever had, or something that completely blows you away…but the rolls they do serve here are definitely palatable for anybody that loves their sushi in copious quantity.

And I do mean copious.

There aren’t too many options here for vegetarians, unfortunately.  From what I saw on the menu, there were only two rolls, the avocado roll and the inside out vegetarian roll, that someone Jen could eat.  Luckily for her, she wasn’t terribly hungry that day…and luckily for me, I was.

The best part of Genki?  It’s GOT to be their logo.

I mean really. WTF is that?  Other than completely awesome. I want my own angry face logo.

The service here is friendly and accommodating, and we didn’t have to fight for a table for lunch.  It turns out that Genki, with over 150 restaurants in Japan, is one of the largest sushi chains in the land of the rising sun.  The chain has nine restaurants spread out over the Oahu, Kauai, Maui, and the Big Isand, as well as a restaurant open in Seattle on the mainland.  With steep prices for restaurants being the norm at most places you’d find yourself eating at in Hawaii, this is one place you simply cannot miss out on.

See Genki Sushi in Kapolei on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• >:(
• Sushiwhores
• Pescado Aficionados

Not Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Carbaphobes

Pinky’s is just a short drive from Kailua’s beaches, and has a reputation for being the local hangout for the military.  The parking lot is usually filled with trucks, trucks, and the occasional Chevy Malibu rental, much like the one we arrived in.

Everything about this establishment down to the name screams out at you. Pinky’s.  I understand that it’s a nickname for someone, likely the owner, but what do you think of when you think of the color?  Loud.  Over the top.  Which the proprietor here has taken to great lengths to carry through every aspect of this place.  The brightly painted walls, the backlit panels of glass of every color, and a guy on a mic running contests throughout the evening. A night at the Ritz-Carlton this is not.

But you’re at the beach.  And for the most part, if you’re near the beach, you’re going to want to be comfortable, relaxed, and not be treated as a total mutant rolling in wearing a bikini or boardshorts.  That is, unless you’re a guy wearing a bikini, in which case, you’re on your own.

Attire is casual, and so is the food.  Pinky’s takes the things you like to eat, and slowly kill you with it by adding an extra heaping portion of delicious.  Take Exhibit A:

A basket of edamame is, for those of you who aren’t on the Paleo diet, a nice healthy protein packed appetizer.  Douse it with garlic and a sweet thai chili sauce, and you’re teetering slightly more towards the unhealthy side of the scale.  These things were pretty tasty, and a nice change from the typical dusting of sea salt.

What’s that you say?  Still a pretty healthy choice?  Those are fighting words, my friend.  Exhibit B:

I can’t seem to find the descriptioon of this on the menu, so I’m going to call this the Nacho Platter of Armageddon.  A large cruise ship of a plate of nachos covered in pulled pork, jalapenos, olives, diced tomatoes, and enough cheese to feed the city of Paris for a day, this dish is not for the faint of heart.  Pinky’s does not shortchange you on the ingredients, and this something worth sharing with friends.  Little did I know that nobody else at the table would be assisting me in taking down this ship, so I put the best dent in it as I could.

Exhibit C:

Again, another dish that’s not on Pinky’s menu online, but I’d like to call this the Bey Cattle Disaster.  A thick 500 lb. all beef patty, topped with two types of cheese, Sharp Awesome and Swiss Delicious, sandwiched between two slabs of buttered Texas toast and for your healthy serving of vegetables, a deep golden onion ring on top.  For some reason, all I can think of it, “If you liked it, you should have put a ring on it.”

And there you go.

Exhibit D:

The Kalua Pig Plate.  Pinky’s keeps it simple here.  An agglomeration of pulled pork, diced tomatoes, and rice on your plate.  Pork lovers rejoice, the pork here is as tender and delicious as you could want.  It’s a shame that this wasn’t served with a side of guacamole and tortillas, but the pork alone was still a fantastic dish.

Service here is good, but the kitchen seems to have issues getting their line orders right.  Our waitress was about as pleasant as could be (typical Midwest manners), but our food took an eon to arrive.  I’m willing to call it a fluke, and that they’re not always that disorganized in the back.  You’re not going to keep that six pack eating here, but you will find that you’ll have a wide array of delicious choices to fit just about anybody’s cheat meal craving.

See Pinky’s Pupu Bar and Grill on a map here.

Recommended For:

• All the single ladies
• Watching the game with your bros. Brahs. Bromosexuals. Broseph Stalins.
• For those about to pork
• Paleoheads

Not Recommended For:

• Zone Dieters
• A meal before heading to the opera
• An eHarmony first date

While out and about in the area of Kailua on the east coast of Oahu, we were lucky enough to have a friend who’s very familiar with the local places to eat and grab a drink. Our guide took us over to Buzz’s Original Steakhouse, which doesn’t look like much more than a crab shack from the outside.

In fact, it doesn’t look like much more than a crab shack on the inside, either.  What does a crab shack even look like?  Imagine dim lights, wooden walls, wood tables, and an emphasis on the seafood and drinks.  BOOM.  To be fair, this place is a very nice lookin’ shack.  The outdoor seating has a view of the Pacific just within eyesight but not within earshot, about a quarter of a mile away.  The interior is decorated with lots of branded merchandise, etched glass of an Aloha Friday shirt.

Wait, what?

Let’s get something straight.  If I were the owner of a restaurant, and I was thinking to myself, “Man, you know I’ve got a glut of cash in the bank, and I’d really like to blow it one BADASS etched glass panel to class up the place a bit.  What should I get?”

Acceptable Answers:

• Two dragons, breathing fire and ‘melting’ a corner of the glass
• A ninja and a pirate, with swords at each others throats, suspended on a wire over a lagoon full of alligators with laser sights attached to their heads
• Bea Arthur, all nude, but tastefully done

Upon reviewing my list, it is clear this is why I am not allowed to be the owner of a restaurant.

Back to Buzz’s. Let’s get to the brass tacks.

The menu’s come out on giant fraternity like paddles of wood.  Totally random, but a little bit awesome.  Making up for the Aloha Friday etched glass shirt, I’m liking this place a bit more.  People, famous people, visiting Hawaii, would approve of these very manly menus.  Tom Selleck would approve of these menus.

While Jen and our friends were busy ordering drinks and anticipating the carnage from some of the strongest drinks in Oahu, I ordered the food to go with it.  Sauteed Mushrooms, Tuna Sashimi, Artichoke Surprise, and the Calamari Steak.  Unfortunately, the restaurant is a dark cabin on the beach, so the indoor lighting was at a minimum here.  The Artichoke Surprise was ………astonishingly* good.  A bit of manual labor is needed, as the whole artichoke comes out, but the dish itself is good, and not too heavy on the sauce.  This is a great dish if you’re looking for something slightly on the healthier side.  The sauteed mushrooms came in a small bowl, and weren’t really too discernible from something you’d see on top of a burger with some swiss cheese and bacon.

The calamari steak was…well, to put it without hyperbole, LITERALLY THE BEST CALAMARI I’VE EVER HAD.

I stand by that claim.  If you enjoy calamari, you know what to expect.  Rubbery deep fried rings.  Chewy, vaguely seafood tasting dishes you get at a sushi restaurant.  Giant, girthy, shafts of rubber nonsense.  We’re still talking about calamari here, so let’s stay focused, okay?

The Calamari Steak here, however, is none of the above.  It’s a flavorful, ubertender and amazing dish.  This calamari has changed the way I think of fresh calamari being, and in retrospect, wish I had put in an order for a second dish.  Let me say this one more time.  If you think you love calamari, you must come here and order it.

The tuna sashimi, despite being oddly served on a small mountain of lettuce, is also very, very good.  The thinly sliced fish melts in your mouth.  It’s a shame there wasn’t a greater assortment of sashimi available, as I would have no doubt that the kitchen can do just as well of a job with it.

Make sure you have a cab company’s number on hand, or that you can walk back to wherever you’re going, if you’re going to get a little wet with the mixed drinks.

Overall, my opinion of this place is neither good or bad.  It’s got some really nice selections of seafood, although I didn’t try the steak, and for a steakhouse, would like to make the hypothesis that the steaks are pretty good, too.  The drinks will flip your wig, not for their creativity or display,but for the amount of alcohol they dump into these treats for you to imbibe.  Service is average, and while I normally say that this isn’t the greatest place you could take a girl on a first date but, if you don’t live on Oahu already and you fly a girl over to Hawaii for a dinner here, well, damn, go on with your bad self.

Buzz’s has two locations, one in Kailua and one in Pearl city. See Buzz’s Original Steakhouse in Kailua on a map here.

*You thought I was going to say surprise again, didn’t you?  HA!

Recommeded For:

• Calamariphiles
• Drinks at the Beach
• Hanging out with the locals, but with the ones that don’t want you dead
• Zone Dieters
• Paleo Heads

Not Recommended For:

• First Dates (exclusions apply, see above)
• Claustrophobics
• People with Traumatic Fraternity Experiences
• People Who Don’t Appreciate Tom Selleck

Ko’Olina rests at the southwest end of Oahu and at the end of the H1 highway, far and away from the populous city of Honolulu. Several resorts and timeshares make up the majority of the buildings here, with more just around the way. Marriott has plans to build another building to build a fifth building, while Disney is busy putting up their own massive Hawaiian outpost here. To say that Ko’Olina will be a major vacation destination on Oahu is quite the understatement.

What does exist there now are several restaurants on the Marriott properties, both at the JW Marriott at the north most point, to the restaurants that are part of the Marriott Beach Club to the south.

Jen and I had the opportunity to eat at one of the restaurants at the Marriott Beach Club that sits outdoors, just a few feet from one of the four lagoons in the area, and a couple of hundred feet from the expansive, ever crashing waves of the Pacific.

I ordered the macadamia crusted marlin, which comes in some sort of glaze that could have been a crab juice reduction for all I know.  Wanna know what I about marlin?  It tastes like poo.  Well, not literally.  I blame the poo taste on the crab juice.  The marlin is apparently a very dry textured fish, with no tender flaking like I had hoped.  I did at least take comfort in that I’ve always wondered what marlin tastes like, so I can check it off my list of meats to meet.

Norm’s Meats to Meet

• Ostrich
• Marlin
• Extraterrestrial
• Alpaca
• Dodo
• Clown

The menu was light on vegetarian fare, so Jen didn’t have too many choices here.  There was either the pasta or…the crabgrass growing near the beach.  Seriously, there were pretty much zero available vegetarian options. She finally settled on a pasta dish, which looked decent, but fell a few steps short of being satisfying or appetizing.  For the price, I’d expect the kitchen to put some effort into this, but, like I said, even imported slop comes at a premium in Hawaii.  She left more than half of her dish on the plate, and I managed to pick at the limp vegetables, playing vulture cleanup crew as always.

Our friends had some equally uninspired dishes, one being a chicken salad and the other being another fish that left him just as unsatisfied with the meal.  We could have opted for dessert here, but thought better of it with the restaurant already batting a .000.

It would seem that Kolohe’s has little to offer visitors other than an absolutely phenomenal view, and drinks to enjoy it.  The service here is reasonable, but certainly not doting, and as I mentioned earlier, the prices are a bit severe for the quality.  The presentation is better on some dishes than others, which looking back at the photos I took here, I’d say is more actually about half.

It’s sad that a place as beautiful as the resorts of Ko’Olina suffer from some really bad tourist trap restaurants like this, but at least the JW  Marriott seems to have a better selection of places to eat, which we did for a number of our meals while in Oahu.  But I wouldn’t recommend this place for anything other than just drinks, and saving your dining experience for someplace else.

Kolohe’s gets two fins down.

See Kolohe’s on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Drinks
• People Watching
• Blandstravaganzas
• When Pringles and a Diet Coke Won’t Cut It For Dinner

Not Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• Flavor Mavens
• Marriage Proposals
• Gastronomic Adventures