That’s exactly what comes to mind for me when I think of the “restaurant inside a restaurant” theme. In similar ingenuity, a restauranteur can open a smaller, specialized restaurant inside one of their existing spaces without necessitating the need to find an appropriate retail space. Such is the story of Farrah Olivia, the higher end Italian themed mini-restaurant inside of Kora. Both are named after the daughters of Chef Morou, having appearances on both Iron Chef America and The Next Iron Chef under his belt. It would be natural then, to have at least somewhat higher expectations of this restaurant than Kora.

On a weekend night, it’s surprisingly easy to obtain reservations for a table here, but the Crystal City area in Arlington isn’t exactly known for being a hotspot for yuppies and yupsters looking to hang out on a night off. Jen and I ended up being one of two tables dining there during our entire meal, served by a lone waiter who was unavailable often enough for me to believe that he was servicing tables at Kora as well.

Aside from a basket of warm housemade bread and a quartet of spreads, the chef further extends a warm invitation with an amuse bouche of a deep fried dumpling sliced in half and served atop a small pool of sauce, a touch that I greatly appreciated, almost doubly so as I thought about eating Jen’s as well while she was on an excursion to wash her hands in the ladies’ room. No fancy molecular gastronomy or bleeding edge cooking techniques, but just a simple, well prepared start of a meal. The dough is fried crispy to the point of adding texture without being excessively crisp.

The Painted Gazpacho is a beautiful dish (ever so slightly tipped over by our server), a yin and yang combination of chilled eggplant and tomato basil soup.  It sings notes on your palette as beautifully as the presentation of the dish itself.

The Goat Cheese Gnudi here is the exact same served at Kora, and to this day remains one of my favorites. Jen and I both ordered it- Jen as her entree, and for me, as my appetizer. Served with tomatoes, artichokes, onions, and arugula, this is a hearty and enjoyable dish. That is, if it’s prepared correctly. My dish was served with just a bit of dressing, enough to give the dish an adequate amount of moisture, whereas Jen’s dish was devoid of the same sauce altogether and being a much less enjoyable affair to eat.

As an entree, I ordered the Fillet of Beef, served with foie gras butter, fried shiitake mushrooms, date wine, and a spinach gratin cake, served on a painter’s palette as you dabble and mix flavors. A literal encouragement to play with your food. Everything on my order was served perfectly, from the fillet being cooked to a medium rare, to the complementing tastes of the sauces, butters, and condiments on my plate. All this to my relief, as I had previously overheard one of the patrons at the other table sending back her fillet several minutes prior for being way too undercooked.

All of this is to say that while Farrah Olivia aims to be of the highest caliber, it seems miss the mark on several points for being what could be conceivably considered “the fancy Kora”. Lacking consistency in its dishes and what appeared to be a server shared between two restaurants, I’m glad to to know that Chef Morou is able to keep Farrah Olivia afloat on the shoulders of a much more successful Kora- I doubt this restaurant would be able to continue purely on its own.

See Farrah Olivia on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Wandering Wayfarers
• Business Jerks
• Special Occasions
• Gnudist Camp

Not Recommended For:

• Hotspot Hunters
• Starvin’ Marvins
• Paleoheads
• Frugalistas

With a similar unceremonious gesture, the old Ray’s Hellburger Two was suddenly reopened and christened Ray’s Steak and Cheese. Clearly delineating the difference between his sammich from a ‘cheesesteak’, or even a ‘Philly cheesesteak’, the restaurant has a very limited menu of an 8 oz. sirloin and ribeye steak and cheese sammich served on a toasted roll, with your choice of lettuce (gratis), tomato (gratis), peppers, charred jalapenos, and sauteed mushrooms, cooked to a medium rare unless asked otherwise.

The problem is…well, there is no problem. The sammich is incredibly delicious. The tender cuts of ribeye and sirloin are heightened with a generous coat of cheddar, nestled in a soft sub roll and only further heightened with the addition of peppers and sauteed mushrooms. Do yourself a favor, however, and just skip the lettuce and tomato. There’s no need for any of that to defile this work of beauty. Each bite is as good as the last, and I was only dissuaded from going to order a second were it not for the line that had appeared in front of the register.

You do have the option to order a side of tater tots, extra crispy and piping hot pillows of potatoes and salted for just the right amount of flavor. Beer, root beer, and wine are all also available to help you wash down a meal that has enough staying power to keep with you for the rest of your day.

The restaurant is cash only, so be prepared to pay with paper, your plastic card won’t do you much good here. That is, unless you’re willing to brave the world of ATM fees, with a machine situated conveniently next to the registers in the back of the establishment.

The sammiches, which run $10.99, seemed a bit on the expensive side to me. But given the fact that they’re made with such high quality cuts of steak, I’d say in retrospect that’s it’s a pretty reasonable price for the meal.

Service is overwhelmingly accommodating and easy, as long as you know the process. Go towards the registers in the back, order your meal, take your receipt, and hang out while you wait for your meal to be delivered to your table. Easy, right? Try and get there before noon and you’ll have a better chance of beating the crowds.

See Ray’s Steak & Cheese on a map here (there’s no sign anywhere near the restaurant itself).

Recommended For:

• Moo
• Burgered-out Bonvivants
• Cheesesteak Cherubs

Not Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Lipitor Lovers

photo by Jonathan Bruskin

Jeff Black, who owns restaurants such as Addie’s, Black’s Bar & Kitchen, Black Market, and BlackSalt recently opened Pearl Dive Oyster Palace on 14th Street, a lone oyster shucking house on the DC corridor. Step in past the doors and you instantly get the feeling of having stepped into a weathered Cape Code restaurant that’s served hundreds of thousands of people over the decades, rather than a restaurant that’s just opened a not more than a couple of months ago. Indeed, every detail is put together to compose a tribute to the fresh seafood shacks of New England with reclaimed distressed wood walls to rickety chairs that feel as if they could collapse beneath you if you leaned at just the right angle in one.

The restaurant reads almost entirely of seafood dishes, which is great if you’re looking for food and not a discount warehouse for jewelry robbed from shelled mollusks. That being said, you shouldn’t shy away from the land dishes like the Braised Pork Cheeks. This dish explores the tenderness of the often overlooked pork cheek and complements it with a creamy bed of stone grits, flavored with a vibrant chipotle-ham hock broth.

For those looking to get down with the rawest of raw oysters, you’re in luck. The restaurant offers a wide array of varieties hailing from both the East and West coast, although having heard the server list out the different kinds twice, I simply noted that there were ‘regular priced’ ones and ‘more than regular priced’ ones.

Our table took a dozen of the former, and you know what? They tasted like raw oysters. Deliciously raw, with almost no discernible aftertaste, I would have gladly eaten the entire dozen myself if I weren’t sharing the plate with several others.

photo by Jonathan Bruskin

The cooked oysters are equally as good if not better, especially the Angels on Horseback. A quartet of oysters wrapped in strips of bacon and grilled, then served in a vin blanc and vinegar reduction. Amazing, succulent, and full of flavor. The salty slight crisp of the bacon exterior gives way to a juicy oyster inside, with the vinegar and vin blanc pulling the flavors together for possibly the best oyster dish I’ve ever had, although I might be slightly biased because of the bacon. I would, however, have several other suggestions for a renaming of this dish, including:

• Angels on Piggyback
• A Mermaid and a Pig Walk Into a Bar
• Unicorn Bacchanalias in your Mouth

photo by Jonathan Bruskin

I took it upon myself to be the judge of just how good the restaurant’s Oyster Po’boy was, but I needed a comparison ready at hand. Thankfully, the restaurant also offers a C.E.B.L.T. Po’boy (fried catfish, over easy egg, bacon, lettuce, tomato) and, being your diligent gastrohead, ordered both as my main course.

You might think of it as a little extreme, I just call it ‘a regular dinner’. The oysters used in the Oyster Po’boy (pictured in the foreground) as deep fried to a golden brown and served with housemade pickles, a spicy cayenne aioli, and served on Leidenheimer bread (THE bread to use for a Naw’lins Po’Boy) for something as good an authentic Po’Boy outside of Louisiana. It’s greatest challenge, by far, is that the C.E.B.L.T. is leaps and bounds better, with deep fried pallets of catfish, a creamy pocket yolk and strips of bacon to match.

Advantage, fish.

You’re given the option of having a side salad or fresh cut fries, neither of which were a disappointment.

There are a number of other dishes available, including mussels, seafood gumbo, duck confit, grassfed hangar steak, and more mysteriously, the Que Sueno de los Gatos, or, ‘What Cats Dream Of’, a large dish of Pearl Dive Seafood Stew served with Shrimp, Redfish, Squid, and Mussels in a Saffron Milk broth.

There’s not much to dislike here, if at all. The service is outstanding, the seafood is standard setting, and the large open bar that spills out to the sidewalk makes it the perfect place to meet up and have a quick drink or bite on the warmest of District days. If that’s not enough, there’s a separate Prohibition Era dressed bar upstairs called Black Jack, and rumor is that there’s two bocce ball courts on the premises, too.

Being that Jen’s not exactly keen on meats, anyone want to take a visit with me? First drink is on me.

 See Pearl Dive Oyster Palace on a map here. Recommended For:

• Fans of the Mollusk
• Pescetarians
• Paleoheads
• First Dates
• Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa

Not Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• Mikimoto Mavens
• Frugalistas
• Barnacle Barry

Jen’s words that had us searching for food. Urban foraging, armed with a smartphones and a front desk manager.

Spicy is abundance in Chelsea, more so if you really know what you’re looking for. However, Jen and I were only looking for dinner. We ended up at Rocking Horse Cafe, a modern Mexican restaurant with forward thinking menus.  Galleons of tortilla chips float at the bar, flanked by margaritas and pools of fresh made salsa, just barely making their mark on the scoville scale.

The guacamole is served fresh and extremely fast, almost unexpectedly so. The Quesadillas de Hongos are a delight, with the crisp texture of the tortilla giving way to the fragrant roasted wild mushrooms griddled with warm, melted manchego cheese.

Jen’s Chile Relleno de Hongos was just what she needed. A half foot roasted poblano, split lengthwise, and overstuffed with sauteed wild mushrooms, topped with a charred tomato-smoked chile cream sauce. A smoldering dish of burn your face off hot, topped with flames on a brimstone plate.

My entree, the Cordero Enchipotlado arrived with angel horns blaring. A war hammer sized chipotle braised lamb shank, with a bone that you can take home and mount as a trophy on your desk if you manage to finish the damn thing. Succulent chipotle braised lamb, accompanied by caramelized onions, roasted tomatoes, and epazote atop a generous nest of creamy cotija polenta. I wanted to wave the shank bone wildly in the air, but Jen backhanded me as I started to started to rise from the table with a crazed look in my eyes, narrowly avoiding disaster and bringing me back to my senses. Like you’ve never need a good bitch slapping before.

I recommend passing on the yuca and goat cheese cake as a side- not for any reason of it being bad, but for the fact that it’s lacking in flavor. It did serve as a nice, spongy cake to sop up our respective sauces, but with a plate of fresh tortilla chips, it seems a bit unnecessary.

Prices are extremely reasonable for the city, and I was eternally grateful that we weren’t subjected to tapas portions for our meal. Highly recommended.

See Rocking Horse Cafe on a map here.

To start, the build out of this restaurant is amazing. A large, open space with black and white photos of dapper gentlemen adorn the walls. The furniture is, by contrast of the vintage imagery, extremely modern, reasonably comfortable, and the accompanying decor rich with textures and hues. The restaurant sits on Washington Circle near GW Hospital, so make no mistake with the number of varying addresses floating out there on the interwebs. I even commented my appreciation of the slate stone walking paths that cut across the median islands dividing the roads nearby, perfect for pedestrians hopping across like us.

The menu has a wide mix of food that include flatbreads, mussels, and a number of Americana entrees. I quickly eyed out the Pig Board, which comes out true to form, on a pig shaped board, served with prosciutto, creamy Vermont Butter, Acadiana biscuits, and pickled cherries. The pig board takes the emphasis off of just the meat, sharing the spotlight with the accoutrements that come with cured ham. Unfortunately, the biscuits were a bit too hard and dry, indicating that the recipe could probably use a good deal more butter or lard. The pickled cherries were interesting and unique, but didn’t quite go well with the ham, and didn’t quite go well with the biscuits. The real problem with these cherries would manifest itself much later, but I digress. The ham itself was delectable, and the butter was as smooth as one could ask for.

Jen didn’t fare as well with her appetizer, the White Bean Soup with Cheddar Cheese Beignets. She felt that the dish really lacked substance and flavor, while I thought it did have a good garlicky, beanish flavor, just something that was more on the subtle side. Being served in a cup was a nice touch, and I tipped it up to my lips as I polished off her soup for her.

For her entree, Jen ordered the Vegetable Pot Pie, a deconstructed pot pie in a cast iron pan that I’ve seen done before, with a flaky, warm pastry on top rather a crust being baked directly on top. Again, Jen found the dish lacking in flavor and more importantly, in serving size. She’s thankfully a light eater, but had it been me ordering this dish, I think I would have been a bit more upset that I was getting a second appetizer trying to pass as a main course. “Cute” isn’t something I’d want to call sitting on a plate in front of me, but oddly enough it seems fitting for this dish.

For my entree, I hesitated between ordering the Pork Rack Chops and the Roasted Duck “Low & Slow” before taking our server’s suggestion and opting for the latter. I’m glad I did. One half of a roasted duck, piled high over a wild rice and sweet potato hash with a roasted pepper to top it off. The duck here is out of this world tasty with a sweet sorghum chili glaze, although the skin could have used a crisp texture to offset the moist and flavorful meat below. Still, a very, very good recommendation on my server’s part and a saving grace for the restaurant from the appetizer before it.

There are plenty of desserts on hand as well, including this Roasted Marshmallow Sundae, served with chocolate ice cream, roasted homemade marshmallows, whipped cream, and a cherry on top.

Now this is where I have to go and bring up old shit. Having been scarred after eating the vinegarish pickle cherries on the Pig Plate, I had it in my mind that this was yet another pickled cherry on top of my sundae. I knew it wouldn’t be a pickled cherry, I told myself it wasn’t a pickled cherry, but my mind kept screaming back at me.

“IT’S A PICKLED CHERRY ON YOUR ICE CREAM! ENJOY YOUR VINEGAR INFUSED SUNDAE, JERKFACE! OH MAN YOU’RE GONNA GET PICKLED!”

I actually ate half the sundae scooping around the cherry before finally just eating the damn thing. No pickled cherries, but they do look exactly the same. Pickled cherry. Sweet cherry. One looks like a cherry. The other looks like a cherry.

I hate my overactive imagination.

But boy do I love food. I mean, I really, really, riiiiiilly love food.

I think District Commons will do great just where it is, breathing new life into what could be a hotspot for GW students, and a great place for the students to take their parents for dinner on campus visits. There still needs to be some work done on the menu from my point of view, and for being placed near such a liberal school, it’s surprising that there’s not a wider selection of vegetarian options, or a stronger set of vegetarian options, at that. One soup, one flatbread, one small pot pie dish. Completely fine with me, but not the most accommodating menu for the non-meat eaters like my woman. Sad. The bar scene should be huge for grad students to meet up and unwind after evening classes, as it lends a lot to the area as far as being a viable drinking platform to make poor decisions and calling in sick the following day.

The service is average, with our server completely forgoing bread service to our table, as we noticed towards the end of the meal with the tables around us starting to get their gluten loaves served with their meal. Not a big deal for me, but again, for Jen, it really cut down on the available food for her to eat.

Would I go back? Probably, but with reservations about the consistency of the menu, and only if it were suggested as a spot to eat with companions rather than something of my own choosing. I still think that this place has promise and could really anchor the area as a place to visit.

Bonus Tip: At 10pm, the bell rings for Family Meal, where the service meal is opened up to the public. Each night offers something different, but they all look like delicious meals your imaginary television show mother used to make. Only better.

See District Commons on a map here.

Recommended For:

• GW Parents
• Zone Dieters
• First Dates
• Late Night Drinks

Not Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• Vegetarians
• Messy Public Breakups
• Ladies who fall at the top right of the Vicky Mendoza diagonal

To get a bit more adventurous, you’ll have to go to places like A&J Restaurant in Annandale. The restaurant, tucked away in a little mixed use retail building off of Little River Turnpike, has been there for as long as I can remember. The faux stone facades and Chinese decor are a bit dated, but they work well enough to give the place a bit of character.

There are traditional dim sum dishes, such as the Steamed Pork ( ’buns’ as they were listed on the menu) Dumplings, which are rice crepe wrapped and served in well used aluminum tins. These dumplings aren’t the most flavorful, or beautifully presented, but certainly get the job done.

I’d never feel completely satisfied without having an order of the Pan Fried Dumplings, served as long logs of deliciously fried goodness. The downside to getting eight enormous dumplings here is that for the most part, these dumplings are fairly lackluster in taste. A pot of chili garlic oil on your table comes in very handy to remedy this, as does the decanter of soy sauce within arm’s length. It’s a shame that this dish doesn’t come with a dumpling sauce to complement it.

The wonton soup remains a classic. Boiled dumplings in broth with strips of egg and scallions, these are a perfect remedy for blustery winter days. A must have if you’re new to Chinese food, and a warm “comfort food” soup if you’re not.

The menu goes a bit beyond typical dim sum dishes with the likes of this Bean Curd Skin with Mustard Greens and Soy Beans (Edamame). It’s a great dish for vegetarians, or those who want to try something a bit different beyond the various dumplings, buns, and tarts served at more Americanized dim sum houses.

If you’re really adventurous, try the bean curd with a 1000 year old egg. The egg really isn’t a 1000 years old, but rather a regular egg that’s been preserved in a mixture of clay, ash, salt, and lime that gives it a unique appearance. The egg white turns black and the yolk turns a slightly greenish color, but the creamy taste combined with the bean curd is amazing, and by far my favorite dish of the meal. The creaminess reminded me somewhat of a ricotta cheese, but with a much better overall flavor.

Worst case scenario, if you find that you’re just not in the mood for dumplings or various plates like the above, you can always opt for a bowl of noodles, which come in a multitude of varieties, like the spicy beef and tendon noodle soup below. You have your choice of wide or vermicelli style noodles,  just make sure to specify your preference to your server.

One of the great things about a meal here is the ridiculous cheap prices, which are more than reasonable, and make it very accessible to get in your dumpling fix when you’re in the neighborhood looking for something to eat. The food here is good for the most part, and some dishes truly stand out as must haves, like the bean curd with a 1000 year egg.  Be adventurous, try something that looks like it could be interesting, and you’ll be a better, more cultured gastronomycist for it.

See A&J Restaurant in Annandale here. There’s also one in Rockville, which you can find here.

Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• First Dates
• Family Get-togethers
• Vegetarians
• Tapas Hounds

Not Recommended For:

• Wall Street Protests
• Vegans
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Burning Man Baccalaureates

Food portions are much more substantial than what you’d find in similar restaurants downtown, but the quality remains high, as evidenced with a large dollop of the Pipe Dreams Chevre served to our table, which we highly recommend. That is, unless you’re a true paleohead and refute the existence of dairy in your life. In that case, I’d also recommend the mountain of sliced prosciutto, served with several warm logs of focaccia for those who which to indulge in a bit of bread.

There’s a plethora of options to choose from on the menu, none likely to disappoint, but make sure you lend your waiter your ear for the special offers. I was lucky enough to enjoy the red snapper crudite along with a pork sausage stuffed inside of a crispy suckling pig, which couldn’t have been much more of a pork lover’s wet dream.

Well, there’s always room to add bacon.

Service is top notch, prices are consistent with what you’d see downtown, but again, the plate sizes do not disappoint. Lighting, however, is not the most favorable for nom photography.

See Sonoma on a map here.

Feel free to contact Sonoma to host your next wine mixer.

You can fool all the people some of the time and some of the people all the time, but you can not fool anybody with that turkey bacon shit you’re serving us, bro. -Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln the Restaurant celebrates the life and times of Abraham Lincoln the U.S. President, through food, drink, and kitschy decor. The first you’ll notice walking through the doors of the restaurant is, that, well, you’re now inside a restaurant. Obviously. But take a closer look around, and the more minute details come out, such as the copper coated bar, resembling only what would best be described as simultaneously ‘the color of Abe Lincoln’s bowling ball and his ’84 Coupe DeVille’. The floor is completely tiled from end-to-end with copper pennies, and an oversized white leather bench sofa with penny pushpin details  serves as not only one of the largest seats in the restaurant, but a gentle remind of Abe’s giant marble chair at the Lincoln Memorial. It is with this great attention to detail that one can’t help but wonder why there aren’t more presidential themed/named restaurants in the area. Cross dressing servers at Hoover’s? Why not?

The food is served in the small plate style that has run amok among restaurants, allowing you to get a wide sampling of tastes without really ever really digging in an enjoying a full course of a meal. The upside is that if you do order something that doesn’t appeal to you, then the odds are that you can order something else that does. The downside is that you can and will likely order something that doesn’t appeal to you, and you’ll still have to pay for it.

Still, I guess I prefer hedging my bets and going all in on a nice sized plate of food, but sometimes you have to just go with it.

The tater tots with dill sour cream and American salmon roe are delicious and a slight feat to pop entirely in your mouth, with just enough details to make it fancy, but not stray too far from its simple roots.

The Pennsylvania Duck Sausage Roll is also a must have, a high brow version of Pigs in a Blanket, served with a bucket of mustard for dipping, and topped with microgreens for just a bit of color. The natural fat of the duck keeps the sausage succulent and flavorful, perfectly contrasted with the warm, crisp flakiness of the dough encasing it.

Other notable dishes included the Farmhouse Macaroni’n'Cheese, a single serving cast iron skilled filled with macaroni, then generously coated in a hot mess of smoked gouda, parmesan, and bubbling hot sharp cheddar cheese, a must have for any cheese eating surrender monkey out for a meal.

One of my favorites of the meal was a deconstructed version of the Chicken Pot Pie- a cast iron pan filled with chicken, spring peas, carrots, and celery, finished with a fresh soft and flaky pastry stove pipe top hat. Lincoln would have been proud.

The Lobster Beignets are another win for the restaurant, gently fried chunks of lobster served in a creamy aioli sauce with heirloom tomatoes and english peas. I did feel that the portion was a bit on the smallish side for this dish, but that simply forced me to savor each bite that much more.

And if you didn’t feel like you had enough duck from the Duck Rolls, you can always order the Coffee Rubbed Duck Breast, served with plum, walnuts, and a farro salad. Tender, juicy, and full of awesome for your belly.

That’s not say everything is mindblowingly great here. The Citrus Marinated Beet Salad with pickled gooseberries and horseradish creme fraiche failed to impress me, nor did the Watermelon Salad with endives, feta cheese and olives

The same could be said about the Poached Arctic Char (pictured top left), even with the help of several strips of prosciutto wedged in between the broccoli florets and golden raisins. The Braised Pork Belly (pictured top right), normally a sure fire win for me, lacked the crisp texture and ended up being really living up to what I know pork belly can be.

The Heirloom Tomato Risotto (pictured bottom left) with goat cheese also seemed a little deflated, but there’s only so much you can do with risotto, I suppose.  Finally, the Maryland Lump Crab Salad (pictured bottom right) was a reasonable dish, served as a roll, but didn’t impress enough to recommended it to anyone as more than a filler.

Lastly, the desserts here aren’t amazing, but if you’re still hungry, they’ll get the job done. I recommend the Peach Crisp a la Mode over the Funnel Cake with Berries, of which the latter looks more like something you’d end up cleaning out of your hamster’s cage after a few days of neglect.

Overall, I enjoyed eating here and paying tribute to the great 16th President of the U.S. There’s enough of a variety here to find something you like, and the cuisine strikes a nice balance between your favorite down-home comfort foods and a fancy place you could take your parents to while they’re in town. The noise levels tend to get a bit high when it’s busy, but you can always opt to sit outside for people watching when the weather’s nice. Service is reasonable and pleasant, but nothing remarkable, which is sometimes all you could ask for in a good meal.

See Lincoln on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Groups and Troupes
• Birthday Dinners
• Comfort Food Cornucopias
• First Dates

Not Recommended For:

• Tour Buses
• Vegetarians
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters

Welcome to FunXion. The concept is a restaurant that caters to the health bent types such as myself, despite all the deliciously trashy things I eat on the weekend for your pleasure, as well as mine. The food here is prepared without oils, salts, or added sugars, a unique take, and requiring considerable  creativity in the kitchen to make things that will still pass as delectable to the majority of diners.

Despite these hurdles, FunXion is able to still come out on top. The chips and guacamole are different from your standard corn chips, but not so significantly that you’d stop more than a momentary pause to recognize the difference, and get back to your regularly scheduled noms. The buffalo nachos, with ground buffalo meat, chili, cheese, and vegetables, doesn’t seem to fare as well, with the chips going soggy far before you’ve gotten through the entire plate.

The sliders are fantastic for being a healthy version of a Krystal/White Castle burger. Definitely try the sirloin sliders, and if you’re feeling like a bit adventurous, try mixing up the meats for a double patty slider, such as the buffalo sirloin or the portabello and sirloin. The point is, get the damn sirloin already.

The pizzas aren’t going to make a run for the best pizzas in town, but if you’re craving a pie without the complete wreaking of havoc of your body, I can’t think of a better place to go out and get one in the area. The music was thumping a bit too loud for me to be positive that I heard it right, but I’m pretty certain that the dough is made with antioxidant rich acai berry, something I’d never consider throwing into the second hottest Italian export known to humankind (the first being, of course, the late Bea Arthur. RAAAAAWR.)

Speaking of the ol’ oontz-oontz-oontz, FunXion turns into a lively place for drinks and dance club beats just around 10pm, so make sure to get your food in early, unless you plan to stick around a mingle after. The service is extremely accommodating and friendly, as our server/night manager not only took down our order without writing a thing, but made sure we had everything we needed during our meal, but also simultaneously handled the transition of the restaurant into night-time lounge.

There’s plenty of wine, beer, liquor, AND health food drinks available, so don’t be afraid to try a couple to help wash down that food. And the photos? Sorry. The decidedly pink and red lights completely ruined my shots, so you’ll have to go and check it out for yourself.

On a final note, the prices here are more than reasonable. Jen and I stuffed as much as we could into ourselves and still didn’t spend as much as you’d expect to pay at any number of other places in the city. A huge plus. I’d definitely like to go back and support this business as much as I can.

See FunXion on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Zone Dieters
• Vegetarians
• First Dates
• Frugalistas
• Lean Cuisine Eating Machines

Not Recommended For:

• Paleoheads
• Pastafarians
• Finicky Feeders
• Chinese Tour Bus Drop Off Destinations

These days, Capitol Hill is a pretty gentrified place to hang out. You won’t find dealers selling crack on every corner like in the days of Marion Barry, but instead, brown flip flops flap-flap-flap down the sidewalks, and local residents have a wide array of family friendly establishments to choose from in the neighborhood.

Once you step inside, you’re immediately greeted by an open display case of all the by-the-slice pizzas available. The variety ranges from classics like the Fresh Buffalo Mozzarella and Roasted Tomato, a Spinach & Artichoke (with bechamel, sauteed spinach, roasted artichokes, aged provolone and parm), Coletti’s Notorious BBQ (slow roasted pulled pork, BBQ sauce, cheddar cheese and crispy onions) or a Buffalo Chicken (jumbo chunks of spicy chicken, creamy blue cheese, mozzarella, and hot sauce). These aren’t weak, floppy pizza crusts, and if you’re a gorger like me, you might be slightly disappointed that you can’t easily fold a slice in half and start shoving it into your face. Instead, patrons are forced to dutifully enjoy each flavorful, well balanced, and hearty bite, one at a time.

And maybe that sort of eating isn’t such a bad thing.

I order a slice each of the Buffalo Chicken and Coletti’s Notorious BBQ, both excellent choices that I highly recommend. Jen picked the traditional Buffalo Mozzarella, topped with generous chunks of fresh mozzarella and basil leaves big enough to keep you dry from a storm.

Make sure you try at least one of sodas made to order here. While there’s definite your traditional soda machine on tap in the back, the hand made sodas are mind blowingly good. I ordered the Ubet Manhattan Egg Cream soda, starting with chocolate syrup, a large serving of heavy egg cream, soda water, and POW! Instant chocolatey tastiness.

If you’re not entirely sold on having a pizza here, the restaurant also offers a reasonable selection of subs and 7, 14, 20 piece buckets of buffalo wings. Big buffalo wings. What exactly do you call jumbo buffalo wings? There’s no skimping on meat here, and the back bar has you covered with pretty much any kind of sauce you’d want to dip in, including BBQ, hot sauce, ranch, blue cheese, and more.

While the pizzas here aren’t exactly going to win over the Neapolitan crowd, they’re still pretty damn good in my eyes. Thick Sicilian pizzas cooked in a cast-iron pan are also available here, but I’m pretty sure you’ll enjoy a slice of anything that suits your hunger. There’s plenty of seating outside for cool summer nights, and ample seating upstairs for everything else. Parking is pretty easy to find, and this is some of the best food you’ll come into near to Capitol after a long day tour.

See We, the Pizza on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Vegetarians
• People Watching
• First Dates
• Frugalistas

Not Recommended For:

• Neapolitan Naysayers
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Organic Olivias