I made this dish as one of the sides for our New Year’s Resolution Party over the weekend. There are two ways to prepare the sweet potatoes for this dish- as a mash or a hash, and I’ll go over both in this recipe.  As you can probably guess, the mash has a much creamier texture, and is a perfect setting as a bed for whatever protein you’d like to add to the meal.  The hash is a bit more along the lines of a traditional breakfast side starch, but either way, you’ll still get a great tasting dish.  It gives a little bit more of a variety than just eating your sweet potatoes straight out of the skin with some runny side up eggs, and you can always double or triple the recipe to save some for later in the week.  The reddish purple of the onion combined with the orange of the sweet potato has a nice color to it, and can make almost any ordinary meal look immediately more appealing.

Ingredients:

• 3 medium sized sweet potatoes, peeled and cubed into 1/2 inch chunks
• 1 tbsp walnut oil
• 1 large red onion, roughly chopped into 1/2 inch chunks
• 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice

Directions for Sweet Potato Mash:

1. Pour 3 cups of water into a large pot over high heat and wait until the water starts to boil.
2. Carefully dump the sweet potato chunks into the water, stirring occasionally for 10 minutes.
3. Drain the sweet potatoes in a colander, sprinkle the pumpkin pie spice on top, and set aside.
4. Place a large non-stick skillet over high heat, and add the walnut oil after the pan has started to get hot, about three to five minutes depending on your range.
5. Turn the heat down to medium-high and add the onions and sauté them until they have started to become translucent.
6. Add the sweet potatoes, mixing and occasionally stirring for another five minutes.
7. Serve immediately!

Directions for Sweet Potato Hash:

1. Place a large non-stick skillet over high heat, and add the walnut oil after the pan has started to get hot, about three to five minutes depending on your range.
2. Turn the heat down to medium-high and add the onions and sauté them until they have started to become translucent.
3. Add the sweet potatoes, mixing and occasionally stirring for another 10-15 minutes.  Your sweet potatoes will get a nice slight crust to some of the pieces, but won’t turn complete into a mash.
4. Serve immediately!

Not too difficult, right?  It’s a little more effort than just nuking a sweet potato for a few minutes, but if you’re like me and you eat them every day, a little bit of variety goes a long way.  You can also add 1 tsp of quickly chopped rosemary to the skillet, which gives the sweet potatoes a slightly more complex flavor.  You could also add 1 tsp of fresh chopped mint instead of the rosemary and get even more out of this recipe.

It’s a little difficult to ascertain the exact Zone amounts of this dish, but I’d say a cup of this is roughly 4 blocks of carbs and four to five blocks of fat.  Completely paleo, vegetarian, and vegan as well, although the hash will give vegans and vegetarians a bit more strengthening with their jaws.  Try some of the variants and let me know how it works out for you!

I consume anywhere between a dozen to two dozen cage free eggs a week, and in that time, I’ve found that I really enjoy my eggs with a cooked white, and a runny yolk (that I usually sop up with a baked sweet potato for breakfast).

So here’s a recipe that I’ve been using for a while now, and if you like your eggs prepared like I do, this one will do wonders to start your morning.

Ingredients:

• 2 Cage Free Eggs
• 2 Cage Free Eggwhites
• Extra Virgin Olive Oil
• Sea Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper, for seasoning
• Water

Directions:

1. Preheat a nonstick frying pan over high heat for 2-3 minutes.
2. While the pan is heating, crack open your eggs in a measuring cup or bowl, taking care not to break open the yolk.  Set aside.
3. You can test the heat by dropping a tiny bit of water on the pan.  If it sizzles and quickly evaporates, you’re ready to go!
4. Coat the frying pan evenly with about 1/2 a teaspoon of olive oil.
5. Gently add the eggs to the pan, which should cook, with the whites immediately losing their transparency.
6. Add 1/2 teaspoon of water to the pan, turn the heat off, and cover immediately.
7. Allow the eggs to continue cooking in the pan for three and a half minutes without heat, using the evaporated water to steam them.
8. Remove lid from the pan.  The eggs should be perfectly set, still soft, but not have a raw look.  If your eggs still look a bit too raw, recover the frying pan, turn on the stove to medium-high, and allow to cook for 45 more seconds or until set to satisfaction.
9. Add sea salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste.

The time spent covered and cooking is entirely up to you, depending on how runny you like your yolks.  I’d recommend at least two and a half minutes so that the whites have enough time to cook properly.  I’d say you could cook these eggs up to five minutes, but by then, you should prepare for your yolks to be pretty firmly set.  The other nice thing about preparing your eggs this way is that the whites tend not to have that rubbery texture to them.

Zone Blocks:

Protein: 3

Carbs: 0

Fat: 0 (Technically, there are two 2 grams of fat per egg when you include the yolk, but it isn’t necessary to count this towards your daily fat allocation.)

Jen and I are taking a few days off to escape the remnants of the great Snowpocalypse of 2009 here in DC (see also: your average Michigan winter day) to visit a secret destination devoid of snow and filled with palm trees.  We’ll be back in the middle of next week with more stories and reviews, so until then, we hope you have a fantastic holiday season (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, whatever!).

-Jen & Norm

Mehak‘s a bit of an oddity, being a steadfast Indian restaurant in the heart of DC’s Chinatown.  Well, at least, that might have at least once been the case when the businesses of Chinatown were actually Chinese establishments, and not business chains such as Starbucks with just the name out front in Chinese.

So maybe then, it’s not so bad.  Maybe an independent business that’s outlasted just about every other store and survived the waves of ever increasing rent is worth checking into.  So that’s exactly what Jen and I did.  Mehak is just north of the bright jumbotron lights, a two floor establishment that’s cheerfully painted and decorated with a worn in feel.  The wait staff is friendly and have timing down to a science, knowing exactly when to step in.  We were treated to at least three different servers, all who were wearing Santa hats in celebration of sweet, sweet, six pound, seven ounce baby Jebus.

We started off with the Veggie Samosas.  Two super deep fried twinkies turnovers stuffed with potatoes and green peas.  Not really the most amazing dish, but not terrible, either.  The skin is thick as your grandmother’s feet, and just slightly better tasting after you dunk it in the accompanying sauce.  I’m not altogether too familiar with Indian sauces, but after a quick Googlification of the subject, it’s most likely the cilantro based Hari Chutney.  Any takers on if I’m wrong?  It most definitely comes slathered on slabs of salmon at Indian eat-o-ramas, but it was interesting to see it served up on its own.

Veggie Samosas

The naan breads here definitely make up for the slack.  Who doesn’t like the taste of vicious refined carbohydrates?  We ordered the triple threat combo: Poori (fried whole wheat), Onion Kulcha (baked and stuffed with spicy chopped onions) and the basic naan.  I was a little sad that we didn’t get any of the Roti in with the order, but after sobbing hysterically in the bathroom for a few minutes, all was well.  The bathrooms, by the way, are upstairs, which is completely shuttered during dinner hours.  The heat is turned off in the winter, and the A/C is likely nixed for the summer, all cost cutting measures that have obviously kept this place going strong and not turning into another Starbucks.

Drinks* here are great.  The mango lassi tastes amazing.  Both the mango and the lassi really stand out in this drink, but I’d say more the former than the latter.

If anything, it might be the best drink there. At one point, Jen pointed out to me that they even had Franzia on the wine list.

Me: Oh, you mean the one listed as a Rosé?
Jen: I didn’t even see that one. Wait! There’s another!
Me: Three Franzias on the wine list?
Jen: Wow. That’s STRONG.

I can’t tell you how great it is when my girl says something like that to me.

Jen ordered the Masala Chana, a traditional Indian dish of chickpeas cooked in onion, tomato, and various spices.  She commented that this one had a much meatier taste to the sauce, which was great!

Masala Chana

I ordered the Malai Chicken Tikka, which is chicken marinated in yogurt and spiced, and then baked in a traditional Tandoor clay oven, with sexy results.  And this order was nothing short of sexy.  The chicken was succulent, perfectly spiced, and arrived in enormous two to three inch chunks.  Obviously a dish to be shared by a normal eating couple, I managed to finish it without feeling overwhelmingly ill.

Malai Chicken Tikka

The dining experience at Mehak isn’t an extravagant one, but still, remains a very satisfying one.  Service is good, the quality is good, and the portions are good.

Recommended for:

• Casual dinner night
• Paleoheads
• Vegetarians
• Indian cuisine aficionados

Not Recommended for:

• Formal events
• Wine snobs
• Awkward first dates
• Impressing out of town guests
• Last meal before hopping on a transatlantic flight

* Non-alcoholic drinks.

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Kale has become my new palette crush.  It does take some preparation work, but it’s richly rewarding, and is available all year long.  This one’s just a tad bit different from the Wasabi Sesame Kale Recipe, but with a great crunchy texture instead.  Plus, this one takes a little bit less work, so it’s a nice one to use when you’ve got multiple things cooking. So, with that, andiamo!  (Italian for, “Let’s Go!”)

Ingredients:

• A large bunch of kale
• 2 tablespoons of walnut oil
• 2 teaspoons of crushed red pepper flakes
• 1.5 teaspoons of habanero sea salt
• 1 teaspoon of fresh ground black pepper

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350˚F.
2. Separate kale and break the leaves off the stem, discarding the stem and placing the chunks of kale into a colander. When you’ve separated all the kale from the stems, give it a good rinse to wash off any dirt or grit.  Shake off any remaining water on the kale bits to the best you can, but don’t worry too much about getting it completely dry.
3. Transfer the kale to a very large bowl.  Add the walnut oil, crushed red pepper flakes, habanero sea salt, and fresh ground pepper.  Toss very well to get a good coverage on the kale.
4. Spray a large oven safe pan with oil (I used extra virgin olive oil), and evenly distribute the kale on the pan.
5. Place the pan in the oven.  Let the kale cook for about 18-20 minutes.
6. Check the kale to see if it’s started to crisp up a bit.  The top exposed leaves should be turning brown, but not completely so.  If you like a little bit more crisp, you can leave the kale in for a few more minutes, but otherwise, you’re good to go!  Use an oven mitt to take the pan out and place it on a safe surface that can withstand lots of heat.
7. Serve and enjoy.

Now, this recipe IS paleo, and you can always reduce the amount of oil to just 1 tablespoon if you’re watching your fat intake.  You can also use sesame oil or olive oil instead of walnut oil, each lending a unique taste to this dish.  Just make sure that your oil can withstand high cooking temperatures, or you’ll hear the incessant beeping of that obnoxious smoke detector.

Zone Blocks:
Carbs: ~3 or 4 blocks, depending on the size of your bunch of kale
Protein: 0 blocks
Fat: 18

Enjoy!

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Image credit: Marissa Beck

The miracle fruit, or miracle berry (Synsepalum dulcificum) has seen a surge in popularity over the past few years, and DC is determined not to be left out of the loop.  The concept is, you take one of these berries, swill it around in your mouth for a few minutes, and suddenly, your taste buds are transformed!  Your palette is turned upside down, inside out, and upside down and inside out again!

Which at least, adequately describes Jen’s experience with the Flavor Trip DC party we attended.

We weren’t quite sure what to expect when we got to EFN Lounge for the party, other than I had reserved two tickets for us in advance and we were absolutely ravenous.  Despite a large majority of attendees holding tickets, there was still a fairly long line outside, which wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been so damn cold outside.  We stood patiently in line for about 20 minutes before being let in.  Once inside, the mayhem and din of the crowd was almost overwhelming.  After figuring out to pick up our berries in the back of the place, we followed the instructions given with every berry.  You place the frozen berry on your tongue, and let it sit there for two to three minutes.  You can swallow the pulp, but absolutely must spit out the pit.  A few minutes of holding what tasted like a large pomegranate seed in our mouths, and we moved over into the flavor tripping buffet line.  A large assortment of flavor trip foods were set out for us…sour candies, grapes, lemons, limes, blueberries, pineapples, kiwis, and olives…and then some stranger additions, like soy sauce. Vinegar.  Tabasco sauce.

Jen and I shuffled along with the crowds, trying each food, hoping to trip our tongues off, and, unfortunately, to very little effect.  Jen didn’t taste a single thing differently, especially after taking a large bite out of a delicious slice of lime.  I managed to do slightly better, tasting whole quarters of lemons and limes as tart, sweet citruses, and the vinegar had a sweet and tangy taste to it.  Other than that?  The Kiwi tasted like kiwi. The soy sauce tasted like soy sauce.  The snozzberries tasted like snozzberries.

Boo urns.

I talked to several other people in line, who had similar comments.  There were lots of people who could taste one or two different things differently, but for the most part, everything tasted the same.  Tabasco definitely did NOT taste like donut glaze.  No goat cheese in sight, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have tasted anything like cheesecake.

So maybe this whole thing is a total rip off.  Jen and I were convinced it was a scam, especially with the offers to buy “flavor trip pills” that supposedly enhanced the flavors for those (see also: Jen and me) who weren’t getting enough out of the experience, or just wanted to be bilked a few more dollars.  Deflated, we left the party, in search of better things to fill ourselves with. The worst part of the whole experience was, without a doubt, the aftermath.  I don’t think anyone really had the foresight to consider what eating what amounted to a half a stomach full of lemons, limes, sour candies, and vinegar really does to your stomach, no matter what it tastes like.  Make sure you give yourself a healthy dose of peptol bismol or bread to soak up the acids in advance.

In the end, I’d say you’d be better off skipping the party, and buying some of these on your own, in the comfort of your own home, to see if you can get better results.  Maybe you’ll actually get some real miracle berries, too.

Flavor Trip DC is held on the 2nd Friday of every month at EFN Lounge in DC, or you can buy the berry/pill online.

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Are you still looking for a gift to get for a cook in your house? I’ve compiled a list of 10 under $25 gifts that won’t break the bank, and are a welcome addition to even the most well equipped chef.

1. Oil Mister, from Williams-Sonoma. $15.

This thing is a great way to both oil down your pans and save the environment.  I used to go through can after can of store bought aerosol oil sprays, which were likely both overpriced and not 100% oil.  This hand pumped aerator can be filled with any oil of your choice, as well as the option of infusing your oil with any number of herbs.

2. Paring Knife, by Kuhn Rikon. $10.

A carbon blade ensures that this knife doesn’t weigh you down and stays sharper without the need for constant resharpening.  It comes in your choice of nine colors, and is great for those quick slice jobs where a typical chef’s knife is just totally unreasonable.  I use this on an almost daily basis.

3. 11 5/8 x 16 1/2 Nonstick Silicone Baking Mat, by Silpat. $20.

Any good baker knows that parchment paper is a handy thing to have in stock if you want those cookies to come off a pan that’s been cooking in a hot oven without breaking them.  This silicone mat is an excellent replacement, oven safe, and again, its re-usability is a great plus for those who want to be more green in the new decade.  Buy two if your baker makes large batches of cookies.

4.  Benriner Japanese Mandoline Slicer, by Kyocera. $19.

This things slices. It dices. It…wait. No, it just slices…but it slices quickly, and beautifully.  It’s a great tool for those looking to make latkes, salads, or hashes.  It also comes with four blades, you can choose what kind of slices you want.

5. Short Black Turner, by KitchenAid. $10.

This silicon turner is another must have that I use daily.  The silicon construction ensures that it can up to 450 degrees Farenheit, which is great when you need to flip anything cooking in the oven.  You can also opt for a slotted turner, but I prefer a non-slotted turner so I can also use it to turn pancakes without having to buy two.

6. Silicone Splatter Guard, by Williams-Sonoma. $20.

Does your food attack you when you cook?  I’m not talking about a pack of chicken that’s been sitting in the back of your fridge since 2003, long since forgotten, or even a dancing gang of minced garlic looking for revenge.  Well, actually, I am talking about the latter.  Anyone who’s spent any time cooking in the kitchen with high temperatures and oils knows it can get dicey pretty quickly.  One of these will really help take the danger out of cooking.  Just place it on top of your pan on the stove, and you’re good to go!

7. Come-Apart Kitchen Shears, by Wüsthof. $20.

These kitchen shears are another handy item.  Cuts open plastic packages as easy as it cuts through beef jerky, and even comes apart for an easy cleaning.  It’s suited for either right handers or more sinister left handers, so everybody’s happy.

8. Hana Cutting Board, by Totally Bamboo. $13.

These bamboo cutting boards are fantastic!  Stronger and more durable than maple, and ensure’s you’re not eating those little slivers of plastic from that $2 IKEA cutting board you’ve been using for the past five years.  You see all those slices in that plastic cutting board?  Well, they have to end up somewhere, don’t they?

9. Wine Stopper/Pourer Combination, by OXO. $10.

I’m no wino, but Jen is one of the biggest vino lovers I know.  She once pushed me out of the bed in her sleep in favor of a bottle of ’04 Rombauer.  True story.  This wine stopper fits in pretty much all but one bottle I’ve tried, and also acts as a pourer with the use of a simple lever on the side.  How does that story about Jen relate? I don’t have the slightest clue.  Nothing to see her, move along.

10. 1.5 Quart Round Slow Cooker (Crockpot), by Proctor Silex. $18.

Every cook should own a decent crockpot.  Great for making chilies, slow cooking tough meats to break down the fibers, or any fucking number of things you want to cook, but just don’t have the time.  You can essentially toss in the ingredients, set it to cook, and have a hot, home cooked meal ready for you after a long day at work.  Five speeds? WHY NOT.  Seriously though, I’ve been meaning to get one myself, and maybe I can ask Santa for one this year…

So go out and spoil your cook with any number of these, if they don’t have them already.  You’re bound to get some more variety in your meals, and an easy gift to check off that list you’ve got this holiday season. Enjoy!

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SEI is a one of DC’s haute coutre sushi fusion restaurants.  The first thing you’ll notice about the restaurant is the immaculate appearance of the interior.  Ecru walls, slippery white tables, menus and chairs that look like they were stitched out of albino alligators, and bench seating that looks like the owners were able to take down the largest albino ostrich in the world and make it into one comfy piece of seating.

In other words, white.  White, white, white.  Lots of white.  However, there’s plenty of decor to give the monochromatic theme some color.  Deep red branches serve as a see through wall that separate the sushi bar from the alcohol bar, with seating dispersed throughout.  Several infinity mirrors with etched scenes adorn the walls, which had Jen and I trying (unsuccessfully) to figure out how the hell they got that to work.  And somehow, all of this works as a cohesive theme, transporting you to another world entirely.

The creativity of the chefs equally match the decor.  I started up with the Fish & Chips sushi roll, made with raw flounder, french fries, malt vinegar, and wasabi tartar.  Definitely a winner, albeit pricey.

Fish and Chips Roll

Jen and I shared a plate of the Wasabi Guacamole with Wonton Chips. Enormous chips.  The guac was pretty good, too, but not nearly spicy enough for me.  I ended up taking large dabs of wasabi and topping my guac with me, which did the trick.  Another great appetizer, but in the end there were a lot more chips than there was of the good green stuff to put on it.

Wasabi Guacamole with Wonton Chips

Jen had a small dish of the Roasted Curry Vegetables, which were decent, but didn’t really win me over.  She liked them well enough though, and that’s good enough for me to give a recommendation to any vegetarians out there.

Roasted Curry Vegetables

We also split an order of Polenta cakes, which came out in a set of three.  The photo didn’t make it in the low light setting though.  Not bad, but a little bit bland and nothing more than filler.  I’d suggest opting for something else, even if you’re a big polenta fan like me.

For my main course, I had the Seared Duck in a Cherry Teriyaki Glaze and served with Roasted Grapes and a Chili Polenta cake.  I was hoping that the polenta cake would be a bit more different than the order we had put in for appetizers, but the variation was limited to the shreds of chili that were placed on top rather than the preparation of the polenta cake itself.  My polenta-excited pants were frowning about this.  The duck was perfectly cooked, although with as much fat as duck has, it’s pretty hard to screw the pooch in making it.  The duck breast was a tad bit small, and still attached to a thick skin of fat, which isn’t necessarily disappointing, but not exactly something worth raving over, either.

The service is very good, with the waiter stepping in right as we were seated and situated, inquiring about our order of water.  Noise is a bit on the high end though, which makes conversation a bit more difficult.

In the end, it seemed like the big winners here are the sushi rolls and a majority of the appetizers.  The vegetarian dishes are limited to what’s on the appetizer list, but there’s a decent enough selection if you’ve given up the meat.  Given the opportunity to go back, I’d probably try a fish based entree to see if that would be better than what I ordered on this particular visit.  I’d definitely go back, but likely for a big occasion or possibly treating some visitors to a special treat of what the city has to offer.

Recommended for:

• Wannabe scenesters
• Gregarious parties
• People who wear all white to funerals
• Fish fanatics

Not recommended for:

• Anniversary dinners
• Diehard romantics
• Low talkers
• Trashy hobos with muddy butt

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Mandu is a bit of an outlier as far as Korean restaurants in the DC area go.  As anyone that lives in or very close to a major metropolitan city, all great ethnic restaurants are found out in the ‘burbs.  The city is usually is generally comprised of cafes, bars, or uberhaute coutre types of places, where trained koalas drop eucalyptus leaves into your ice cream at the end of the meal.  But Mandu, which means dumpling in Korean, is the only Korean focused restaurant in the city.  For the longest time, I thought it stood directly across the street from the only gas station in DC on 18th St. in NW (now I know there are actually three gas stations, and you must go to an underground lair to access the other two), which makes it perfect for when you want to get down and busy with a giant bucket of kimchi and get your gas on afterwards.

One of the great things about Korean restaurants is the fact that they always bring a wide array of free appetizers.  We were treated to a sampler of pickled radishes, tofu cakes, kimchi, sauteed eggplant, pickled potatoes, and pickled zucchini.  Tons of probiotics!  Everybody’s a winner!

Since the restaurant is named after, in my opinion, the world’s most perfect food, how could Jen and I go wrong with two plates of them?  We ordered one vegetarian and one pork.  Mandu adds a nice little touch of using green skins to clearly differentiate the types of dumplings here.

Vegetable Dumplings

I inhaled my six pork dumplings while she was taking a sip of a wine, and well on to eying hers just as she put down her glass.  You have to watch those things when I’m around, as well as stray fingers near a dumpling plate. Suffice to say, they’re absolutely delicious here.

Pork Dumplings

Doobu

The Doobu, or egg-dipped pan fried tofu, is reasonably tasty here, but given the fact that you get two for free, I’d say you might be better off ordering another set of dumplings, instead. OM NOM NOM NOM.  Still, I felt better knowing that Jen had gotten enough protein having ordered the Doobu.

For our main courses, Jen ordered the vegetarian Duk Bok Gi on my recommendation, and I ordered the Dwejee Bulgoki.

Duk Bok Gi

The Duk Bok Gi is comprised of thick rice cakes simmered in a chili paste with mushrooms, onions, and meat or tofu.  Jen opted for the latter, naturally.  It’d be worth noting that these rice cakes aren’t the puffy, light rice cakes you’d nomally think of picking up at the store, but rather, thick, chewy, pasta like cakes.  Think of a nice gnudi or gnocchi, and you have a much better comparison.  I loved these things growing up, they have such a great texture and really absorb whatever you’re cooking with them.  Mandu also takes presentation into consideration, as we could see the faint remnants of chili paste streaks around the outer rim of the plate.  Nice one.

Dwejee Bulgoki

The Dwejee Bulgoki is a uberspicy (and yet sweet) pork dish, served with rice and mixed vegetables.  Absolutely fantastic, and very highly recommended.  The portions are large, and the spice burns your tongue enough to make you have to make the decision to eat another bite to drown out the taste of burning or have a sip of water.

The wait staff is courteous and always appearing at just the right times.  Dining here is casual, so it can get loud at times when you’ve got large parties in attendance.  The downstairs has a well staffed bar with great sojutini (soju, a Korean wine, mixed as a martini) specials, and the upstairs dining area has a nice, cozy feel to it.

There’s nary a bad thing I can say about Mandu.  The dumplings, were on point, and very satisfying.  The tofu well prepared, as well as tofu can be, and the bulgoki just barely stops from crossing the line of being unbearably spicy.  The price might be a little bit steep for some people, but I’d say that’s something you have to factor in for living in the city.  The dumplings are very reasonably priced for the quality, and I’d happily join anybody for an all out dumpling double happy extra special good time bonanza.

Check out Mandu on a map here.

Recommended for:

• Dumpling champions
• Casual diners
• High stakes riverboat gamblers
• Chariot riders

Not recommended for:

• Penny pinchers
• Kim Jong-Il (the Il-matic)
• Retiree tour bus cross country travelers
• Carbophobes

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Kale's quite the extraordinarily intimidating motherfucker. I've spent years passing it by at the grocery store in favor of other vegetables or fruits. I know it’s good for me, but look at it. I mean, fucking look at it. It's got this presence, like a pigeon wielding a chainsaw. I shouldn't be scurred of the damn thing, but I still run off like a pansy all the same, off to the tubers and onions.

"Oh sweet potato, you'll never treat me wrong!"

Well no more. After shanking some Whole Payczech prepared Garlic Kale and putting it into my gullet with great satisfaction, I grew the resolve (see also: balls) to try and cook it myself. And you know what?

It's pretty damn good.

So here's my offer to you. If you don't like kale, you can go back to sucking on a tuber, or a banana, or whatever fruit or vegetable you'd like to insert into this phallic joke. No hard feelings.

This recipe was totally stolen from Epicurious, one of the best recipe databases out there, and slighly adapted to suit my masochistic needs. Ready?

Ingredients:

• A bunch of kale
• wasabi powder
• 1 tablespoon of crushed garlic
• 1 tablespoon of sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon of wasabi sesame seeds or regular sesame seeds
• 1 tablespoon of water, preferrably from the polar bear exhibit at the zoo
• 1 tsp soy sauce
• sea salt
• fresh ground pepper

1. Separate kale and break the leaves off the stem, discarding the stem and placing the chunks of kale into a colander. When you’ve separated all the kale from the stems, give it a good rinse to wash off any dirt or grit.
2. Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a very large pot at high heat, which should happen pretty quickly, maybe one or two minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of crushed garlic, which will pop, bubble, gurgle, and try to attack you. Do not let the garlic intimidate you in your own kitchen. The cups and plates are watching. This is very important.
3. Add the kale to the pot, which you may need to shove down a bit. Add 1 tablespoon of water, reduce heat to medium high heat, and cover.
4. After the kale has cooked for about a minute, stir the kale around a bit so all that delicious sesame oil and garlic at the bottom gets mixed up a bit. Re-cover the pot and let it cook for another three or four minutes.
5. Turn off the heat, and add 1 teaspoon of soy sauce, 1 tablespoon of wasabi sesame seeds, 1/4 teaspoon of wasabi powder, a few shakes of sea salt, and as much ground pepper as you like. Give this a good stir for even distribution, or you're going to get whacked in the mouth with a giant clump of wasabi. Or maybe that's what you want. In which case, I suggest half a teaspoon of wasabi powder.
6. Serve kale immediately! Goes great with a beef tenderloin steak.

A few notes…this recipe would be paleo, except soy sauce is not. Check the ingredient list. It's a shame. 1.5 cups of cooked kale is approximately a block of carbs, so you can totally go crazy with this stuff.

Zone Blocks:
Carbs: ~3 or 4 blocks, depending on the size of your bunch of kale
Protein: 0 blocks
Fat: 6

Enjoy!

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