Front Porch Cafe

I’ll be upfront in saying that I’m extremely wary of the restaurants that sit nestled upon each other along Miami’s South Beach on Ocean Drive. I see them as tourist traps, thieves, charlatans, crooks, and slackers. And those are just the compliments I have for them. I’ve had numerous poor experiences, to the point where I’ll avoid eating along the famed street of rented Aston Martins (they really do rent Aston Martins to park in front of their restaurant and draw in onlookers) and convertible Seabrings (the tourist/businessman who upgraded his Hertz, but didn’t go all out on the uber premium Corvette ZR6).

So on this trip, Jen convinced me that my views of the restaurants on Ocean Drive just needed the right guide.  She happened to be it.  We searched around a bit and settled on the Front Porch Cafe.  We arrived at the empty hostess stand, behind a couple already waiting for table.  Several of the wait staff hovered underneath the giant faded awning, a dull off white plastic that bore the age of numerous days underneath the beating Florida sun.  The bored look on the staff’s faces annoyed me, as they were clearly not in any major effort to do anything beyond taking orders and bringing out the food.  Luckily, a few diners were wrapping up their meals and promptly left, opening up tables both for the couple ahead and us.

Jen and I were seated at a table and given our menus to peruse.

Let me rephrase that.

Jen and I were seated at a table for six, made up of three tables meant to seat two per table.  With the tip included in every bill, what’s the need to put in the extra effort of seating another couple at at the opposite end of the six seater?  Why put in the extra work?

Annoyed with the inefficiency, I was placated by the fact that the Front Porch Cafe serves breakfast and brunch plates well into the afternoon.  Our waiter, likely the brightest and hardest working of the lot, came by quickly and took our orders for tap water, as well as a mojito for Jen.  He quickly returned with our drinks, and we each ordered an omelet,  with me adding the request that I’d like a side of pancakes.

“We don’t do that here,” he said.

“Do what?” I asked.

“We don’t sell sides of pancakes.”

“Oh that’s fine. I wanted the full order of ‘em.”

You’re about to see something REAL special here, I thought to myself.

We enjoyed the view at our table- the cars blasting bass heavy beats driving by; the crest of the dunes of South Beach across the street; and the ever so popular characters that strutted along Ocean Drive.  Ocean Drive is home of some of the weirdest people you’ll ever see.  I even saw a man dressed as a slice of pizza walk by.  True story.

Our food came by quickly, and surprisingly, it looked amazing.

Jen’s Santa Fe Omelet was packed with refried beans, onions, and cheese in a giant fold of eggs, covered with fresh chopped cilantro and line, coupled with a large dish of fresh fruit and toast.

My Chicken Satay Omelet was no slack either.  Stuffed with chopped lettuce, chicken, peanut satay sauce and also served with fruit and toast, I was already unraveling my tight grip of hate hate hate of Ocean Drive’s restaurants.

The real killer here?

Two enormous wholewheat, oatmeal and chocolate chip pancakes, with enough fiber to knit a large winter jacket (I know that’s not what it is, I’m on a roll here, leave me alone) and even more fruit to boot.

Why did I even hold animosity towards these places in the first place?

The omelets were excellent.  Each full of flavor and totally unique.  I really enjoyed my chicken satay omelet, enough to the point where I’ll have to try making it sometime on my own.  Jen also polished off hers, and helped me hack away at the pancakes.  These pancakes are definitely not light fare!  Dense enough to blot out the sun and soak in lots of syrup, these things were delicious.  I’m a little ashamed to say that I couldn’t finish them, even with Jen’s help, but that’s more of an accreditation to the restaurant knowing my voracious appetite.

In retrospect, perhaps it was my lack of understanding of restaurants in South Beach operate that led to such poor experiences. There are a couple of rules you should understand, and hopefully, these will make your dining experience better, should you eat there:

1. Always specify that you want Miami’s finest water on tap when they ask you if you’d like sparkling or flat, so you don’t get an $8 bottle of Evian dropped by your table.
2. Gratuity is always included in the bill.  You should be more surprised if it’s not, and when the tip’s already in the bill, you should expect service that suits that sort of system.
3. Get a table outside.  You’re likely not paying a premium for the food or service, but the fantastic people watching of pedestrians walking by.  You’ll see some of the most amazing things clopping along.  My personal favorite?  A girl in her early 20′s strutting her high heels in tights…painted like denim.  I mean painted on pocket, painted seams, everything.

If you’re looking for a breakfast to take in some food, drinks, and the scenery, this is it.  Our waiter here was pretty attentive, which also made me relent on my negative impression.  Maybe there are spots along Ocean that aren’t so bad, but I’ll take them on a case-by-case basis.

See Front Porch Cafe on a map here.

Recommend For:

• Voyeurs
• Anthropologists
• Vegetarians
• Paleo heads
• Hangovers

Not Recommended For:

• Carb Counters
• Penny Pinchers
• Quick Meals