Bimini Boatyard & Grill

Jen and I were out to meet some of her friends at the Bimini Boatyard & Grill in Fort Lauderdale, just a short drive from the busy streets of South Beach.  It has all the pre-requisites for an interesting evening.

• Yellow Lamborghini Gallardo parked out front, surrounded by orange safety cones?  Check.
• Boat dock waterfront location? Check.
• Blonde grabbing her tit at a police cruiser slowly creeping by in the parking lot? Check.

The restaurant inside is themed just as the name would imply.  Not so heavy on the pirates, scurvy, or people throwing up out the windows necessarily, but more of the whitewashed wood walls, nautical instruments, and a fantastic view of the moonlit piers that sit behind the property.  There’s a large bar immediately to the left of the entrance where we met up with Jen’s friends, and we quickly were escorted to our booth.  We were originally supposed to have a table near the windows to enjoy the view of the docks, but were seated in a totally different location.  Not wanting to create a big fuss, we took our seat, and started into exploring the menu.

Bimini offers a large expanse of selections, from seafood (natch), steaks, and pastas.  We were immediately informed that the restaurant had unfortunately run out of the prime rib, filet mignon, and grouper, but we otherwise we were still given a fairly sizeable menu to choose from.  The ‘World Famous Bimini Bread’ was an obvious start, as well was the Bimini Seafood Chowder.

The bread comess out as a pre-sliced honey glazed loaf that tears apart into perfectly bite sized shreds.  As the restaurant specialty, Bimini knocks this one out of the park.  Maybe not ‘the most amazing bread’ I’ve ever had, but still, very, very good.  I was almost a little upset there was so little, because this dish goes fast between four people.  I did, however, find some contentment in the soup that came soon thereafter.

Bimini’s Chowder pushes the envelope of chowderdom by presenting a rich tomato based one rather than one that comes out in the typical white variety you’d expect.  The soup is aromatic, flavorful, and loaded to the gills with seafood and vegetables.  The large island of potato you see on the eastern shore was a bit odd, as if the chef just dropped a giant chunk of potato in while ever other vegetable was cut to small pieces, but it was almost better for me, as I wasn’t really planning on eating it.

And the square bowl?  Well look who’s wearing fancy pants now.

As we sat there and chewed the fat, getting to know each other better and getting up to date with the ongoings of our lives, the waitress came back, and let us know that unfortunately one of the meat dishes and one of the fish dishes had also run out, as well as the baked potato side that was ordered.

For those of you not keeping a tally at home, let’s do a quick recap of what Bimini’s out of:

• Red Meats: 3
• Fish: 2
• Potatoes: 1

We put in a new order for fish, as well as some asparagus instead of the baked potato, and the waitress went to get our new orders in. So we waited.  And we waited.  And we waited.

And as our empty drink glasses began to pile up, we waited some more.

Meteorites the size of Mexico with the sole galactic purpose of obliterating the Earth of all life and habitability don’t come crashing down as fast as our approval of this place.

So what we’re non verbally told is that we’re at a restaurant that doesn’t serve food. Or alcohol.  Just guff.  Lots of excuses, apologies, and guff.  I think I would have even accepted tears at this point as something to placate me.

Several days later, our food finally arrived.  One of Jen’s friend’s entree had a fish that vaguely resembled a shoe sole, with an ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes.  My blackened black grouper even had less of a resemblance of anything edible.

I’ve seen Great Dane’s drop off presents in the grass that look more edible than that.  And in all likelihood, I probably would have enjoyed it more, too.  What do you think of fish?

No, I mean a real fish.

You think of something soft, flaky, and tender, right?  Not dry, stringy, and with more varicose veins underneath than, well… more varicose veins than

I didn’t even know fish had veins!

We stared at the mashed potatoes for a second, and gave some serious questioning as to why they were even there.  As we launched an all out nuclear strike on the waitress, even she looked at the mashed potatoes and said, “Oh, that’s weird.  You’re not supposed to have those.”

What?

I can’t even begin to explain how confusing this place was.  Were we being pranked by a radio station? MTV? What the hell was going on here?  I polished off the majorit of my sweet potato fries and broccolini, but left the fish virtually untouched.  As did Jen’s friends, who weren’t even afforded the luxury of having reasonable sides to eat.  Jen fared a bit better with her pasta, which was edible, but nothing noteworthy.

Infuriated, we suggested that we not be charged for the three entrees that weren’t eaten, and the waitress agreed.  She did spend a good bit of time profusely apologizing, citing reasons that ranged from the fact that the chef wasn’t working that evening to the fact that the large menu was probably too ambitious for a restaurant of its size.  While her excuses were great for planting your spring flowers, they didn’t really do much else for us.  The fact that the restaurant kitchen couldn’t produce too many edible dishes without the chef was a bit alarming, but the fact that our waitress didn’t exactly do a great job trying to make sure our drinks were filled didn’t really help, either.  So where was the chef?

Ah, I see.  He’s busy in the creative process, Googling the latest fantastic Billy Mays products.  Why not?

I wouldn’t ever, ever, ever go back here.  I ended up stopping by the grocery store and eating a pack of deli ham and some pineapple cubes, which were immensely better than my experience at Bimini Boatyard and Grill.  While Bimini does serve some great bread and soup, I wouldn’t expect them to have either of those things should you ever visit, and feel enormously blessed that we were served any food at all.  Should you happen to be forced to eat here, may Jebus have mercy on your soul.

See Bimini on a map here.

Not Recommended For:

• Vegans
• Paleo heads
• Vegetarians
• Frugalistas
• First Dates
• Anniversary Dinners
• Bar-mitzvahs
• Seafood
• Meat’n'Potato types
• Atmosphere
• Service
• Bea Arthur
• Betty White
• Rue McClanahan
• Estelle Getty