Penang, unbeknownst to me, is actually a chain of Malaysian cuisine restaurants that run along the Atlantic.  The DC location recently reopened its doors to the public, after a vicious fire gutted the space for well over a year.  I had been to Penang on a couple of occasions prior to the inferno, and reasonably enjoyed the atmosphere.  With a completely redone interior, I felt that Jen and I should go and check it out to give this place a proper review.

The layout, from what I remember of it, remained fairly the same.  A set of white loveseats act as the waiting area behind the hostess stand at the front door, with a thriving bar scene to the right of the entrance.  There are a number of tables behind the bar, one of which we were able to get near the window facing out to M Street.

The two of us started our dinner with a small army of appetizers, but because Penang refuses to post their menu to their website, and I neglected to document the name of each dish we ordered, I’ll have to exercise some creative freedom in naming each dish here.

The first, a quintet of meat filled dumplings, although not quite what I had envisioned when I put in the order.  These dumplings, filled with a miscellaneous meat, weren’t terribly memorable, and just barely satiated my craving for dumplings to begin with.  The preparation was great, and the presentation wasn’t terrible, but not something I’d think about ordering on a return visit.

The second order of dumplings, listed as a curry puff dumpling, were seemingly vegetarian on the menu.  However, when they arrived to the table, the waiter informed us that they were actually not vegetarian, and filled with meat.  Provided with the difficult decision to eat all ten dumplings or send one of them back, I manned up and polished each one off…including the bed of shredded carrots and lettuce.  I would absolutely swear that I did not taste one bit of meat in these dumplings, and that the menu had no mention of meat in these dumplings, but because of the plausibility of not being vegetarian, Jen just avoided the risk altogether.  Like the dish before, these weren’t terribly exciting dumplings, not extremely satisfying.  If both these dishes are indicative of the overall quality of dumplings available here, I’d likely skip ordering any of the dumplings on the appetizer menu altogether.

The one thing I do remember enjoying at Penang is their roti bread.  A giant puff of bread, that comes with a flaky top and a chewy bottom, I fully intended this to be the highlight for Jen.  The waiter even brought a vegetarian curry dipping sauce for her, as the normal curry dipping sauce contained large chunks of chicken.

But something wasn’t quite right here.  The roti, with considerably more crispy parts than chewy ones, just wasn’t as filling, or satisfying.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but at least for me, I felt the lack of the chewy, soft bottom really was a detriment to the enjoyment factor of this dish.  It would have appeared to me that one of the things I enjoyed the most about coming to Penang was nothing but a shadow of its former self.

After a considerable wait, our waiter hurried over with our entrees.  Jen picked out one of her favorites, the vegetarian Drunken Noodles.  With overly wide noodles and a fair amount of vegetables mixed in, I was hoping that this dish would be the savior of the meal for her.  Her response, to my inquiry of satisfaction, amounted to little more than ‘meh’.  We were also presented with another order of dumplings that a food runner tried to unload on our table, but after several futile verbal explanations that it wasn’t our dish, we vigorously shook our heads, and I think he got the drift.

My entree, the Penang Char Kueh Teow (which is one of the nine dishes featured on the site), is one of Penang’s siganture dishes.  A mix of flat rice noodles, shrimp, squid, eggs, chives, and bean sprouts in a black soya chili sauce, resulted an opinion of “BAH!” from me.

Don’t get me wrong, I shoveled this dish down my gullet without barely taking a breath, but that’s par for course with me.  But I didn’t really find this dish fantastic, nor something I would have bothered making a return visit for.  For being one of the restaurant’s signature dishes, I have to say that it lacks any definitive character that any other noodle house couldn’t just as easily replicate.

Giving the restaurant one last chance, Jen and I ordered the Mango and Sticky Coconut Rice dessert.

BAM!

Finally, a winner.  The rice and mango perfectly complement one another, with each slice of mango a buttery slice of heaven with the pile of sticky coconut rice.  This dish doesn’t come off as too heavy or too sweet, and it’s one thing that Penang actually gets right.

Overall, the food here isn’t terrible, but it’s by no means great, either.  At best, I’d call it just average.  Service, unfortunately, is less than stellar.  Our waiter was almost never available or nearby at any time.  After having my chopsticks and fork taken by a busboy, I waited for five minutes before Jen walked over to a large table of guys and asked if she could take an unused pair of chopsticks from them.

See?  This girl is amazing.

As we were presented with the bill, I noticed that the total was much lower than I had expected, and noticed that we were presented with the wrong table’s bill.  I tossed in my credit card and handed it to the waiter, who returned with our actual bill, with nary a word of apology for mixing up the bill or explanation.

As we were leaving, the music was cranked up, as loud as neighbors banging it out through balsa wood thin walls on a Friday night.  This is the second time we’ve gone to an establishment only to have it turn into a club, but this time, the experience was more grating than amusing.  As we walked outside, a large security guard was busy patting down and running a metal detector wand over each person entering Penang, which makes me wonder if anyone’s been shot here recently.  Definitely not a practice I remember before Penang’s unfortunate blaze.  It’s highly unlikely that either of us will be returning to this new Penang ever again.

See Penang on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Lip Readers
• Oontz-Ootnz-Oontz-Oontz
• Twentysomethings
• Terrifying your Inlaws

Not Recommended For:

• Quiet Dinners
• First Dates
• Dumpling Whores
• Noodle Canoodlers
• Carbophobes
• Zone Dieters
• Paleoheads

Kabab-Ji Grill has entered into an already crowded market of kabab (kibab, kebab) restaurants and vendors in DC.  So what exactly makes it stand out?  What makes it worth choosing over any other kebab restaurant?

According to the website, it’s the fundamentals of what makes a quality dish – the ingredients. Kabab-Ji Grill uses only the finest of ingredients in their recipes, which is evident as soon as you walk in the door. The grill sits behind a giant display of prepared but uncooked kebabs in a glass cased refrigerator, proudly on display like a classy timepiece around Flavor Flav’s neck.

The interior is well executed, a throwback to the chain’s Lebanese roots, with large rough cut stone walls and ornate wood panels abound.  Tables are topped with colorful ceramic tiles, although mine had a wobble factor to it that was a tad irritating.

The staff here is extremely friendly, courteous, and accommodated every request from the table.  A decanter of olive oil imported from Lebanon?  Done.  A dish of cucumber yogurt dip? Of course.  An order of a Swarovski vajazzled* cornish hen with eggplant and hummus? Wasn’t on the menu. Maybe next time.

Kebab Orfali, courtesy of the Kabab-Ji Grill's site

I ordered the Kabab Orfali, two skewers of seasoned beef with tomatoes, onions, and eggplant, because it sounded like the closest thing to paleo that I could get.  I expected a heaping of grains to accompany the dish, in addition to the basket of freshly baked pita bread delivered to the table, and what I got was…just that.  No surprises with the kebabs here, as they weren’t terribly huge, but enough to make up a small lunch for me.  That is, of course, skipping the hilltop of rice and large slabs of bread covered in a delicious looking tomato paste/sauce, but, trying to stay paleo, I was barely able to avoid disaster and downing it all in one fell swoop.  Was it delicious? Absolutely.  Was there tons of meat? Hmm…I’d say closer to 3 oz here, which like I said, is fine for a small lunch with me, as I doused the meat and vegetables heavily in the Lebanese olive oil.

It’s important to keep in mind that the price premium you pay here isn’t about the service (although it’s not lacking in any way or manner) or the portions, but the emphasis of quality ingredients.  Could I really taste the difference? Honestly, no.  With a dish like this, it’s hard to determine the quality with so much seasoning on the meat.  I could have likely been served a lesser grade of beef, and still not have known the difference. I do, however, appreciate high quality ingredients being used when they’re available, and respect that Kabab-Ji is offering something that’s not typical of a kebab house in DC.

If you’re looking for a restaurant holding a high standard with their ingredients (and what goes through your body) in their Mediterranean dishes, Kabab-Ji is just the place for you.  Otherwise, I’d say you could quite easily find something similar and cheaper elsewhere in the city or the suburbs nearby.

See Kabab-Ji Grill on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Organic/Grass Fed/Free Range Carnivores
• Quick Lunches
• Carbogluttons
• OCD Engineers
• Mediterranean Munchers

Not Recommended For:

• Starvin’ Marvins
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Vajazzling Parties
• Frugalistas

*A Bejazzled behemoth. A twinkly-eyed beaver. A crystal-ornatified hoohah. A sparkling ladyjunk.  Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ‘A River Runs Through It.’ Do you get what I am saying here?

Do you ever find yourself in the Valley looking for a good meal? I’m talking about the Rio Grande Valley. That is where I found myself famished and in need of a good meal this week. I needed a little luck on my side because I Googled Harlingen’s Top 10 Restaurants, Harlingen Fine Dining, Harlingen’s Best Mexican Restaurants…and Olive Garden hit the Top 10 every time. I finally settled on Las Vegas Café for some local Mexican fare. I did a drive by and kept on driving. Harlingen is sketchcity and this place seemed to fit right in. I drove around for a couple more miles, but just couldn’t bring myself to eat at Applebee’s or Olive Garden. I decided to swing back by Las Vegas Café to check out the clientele. I immediately noticed 2 cop cars in the lot. Eating where the local cops eat is usually a good idea.

I ventured in to this run down dineresque establishment and was told to pick any table. The restaurant was at least half full which I took to be a good sign. Not knowing Spanish was ok. This can be an issue in the Valley. The following night out, I asked my server for vegetarian recommendations and he suggested the chicken fajitas (???). Language issue-clearly. Anyway, the staff at Las Vegas Café spoke enough English to help me out and my meal came out in short order.

The guacamole appetizer was enough for two and very fresh. However, I found the dish to be quite bland. I could only identify two ingredients-tomatoes and avocados. This was Michigan guacamole, not 3 miles from Mexico guacamole.

Guacamole

My cheese enchiladas came out piping hot and with a side of homemade flour tortillas-YUMMMM!!! I know white flour is a no-no, but these were homemade flour tortillas! The cheese enchiladas were fresh, but also bland. I ended up dumping an entire vat of salsa on both my guacamole and my enchiladas. Had I had the opportunity to take this food home with me, I totally would have made little bean burritos out of the leftovers for breakfast.

Cheese Enchiladas

With a 30% tip, the grand total was $13. I would definitely eat here again, but I would pack hand sanitizer and would run a marathon after my meal so as to not catch a case of the fats.

I will be completely honest in admitting that this recipe is easily one of my favorite paleo recipes, both in its simplicity as well as its taste. While they don’t necessarily have the heft of a normal pancake, they definitely fill out your sweet tooth cravings, and go well with just about any time of the day.  Thanks to Mark Sisson for posting it, I’m just happy to share it everybody else.

from Mark’s Daily Apple:

Ingredients:

• 2 ripe bananas  (the riper the better)
• 1 heaping tablespoon of almond butter
• 1 large cage free vegetarian fed egg, preferably of aristocrat fowl origins

Directions:

1. Using a fork, mash the bananas to a soft consistency (lumps are okay!) and add your egg.  Mix well.
2. Mix in a heaping tablespoon of almond butter, and you should see less lumps in your mixture.
3. Fire up a large non-stick skillet over medium high heat.
4. Once the pan has become heated, coat the pan in a cooking oil of your choice.  My grapeseed oil is fairly flavorless, so I just stuck with that.
5. Turn down the stove to a medium heat, and drop tablespoons of batter into your skillet or frying pan.  These pancakes are extremely delicate and don’t flip over well, so making about dollar sized pancakes works out best.
6. Let the pancake cook until bubbles begin to form, and then flip over.  This should happen after 2-3 minutes of cooking.
7. Let the other side of the pancake cook for 2-3 minutes, and then gently remove the pancakes from the stove and place on a plate.
8. BAM!  You’re ready to get your pancake on.

Too easy, right?  It really is that easy.  These pancakes go great with berries and a tiny bit of honey on top.  I like mine with a side of pork, and you’ve got yourself a great paleo meal, ready to go.

Makes approximately 10-15 dollar sized pancakes for 1-2 people.

There are plenty of places waiting to lighten the load you carry in your wallet along the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, but for the most part, they tend to be chains headquartered in other states, with little actual Baltimore flavor.  This statement does not mean ‘tastes like Old Bay seasoning and hooker tears’, but rather, something that’s in Baltimore and nowhere else. So to find a more unique and local dining experience in the Inner Harbor is a nice treat.

Jen and I randomly came across the listing for Miss Shirley’s Cafe, and headed over to grab breakfast on a particularly overcast and drizzly morning.  The location is on the ground floor of a large office building, with the restaurant tucked away in the back.  The entire lobby of the office building is transformed into a large waiting area/overflow dining area on the weekends, which only added to our belief that we had set upon the start of a fantastic dining experience.

We sat down at a booth and scoured the menus.  Jen, as per usual, honed in her selection, while I continued to pour of the offerings in search of the most cheatiest of cheat meals available.  After considerable deliberation and several days later, we got our order in for breakfast.

Jen’s order of Pumpkin Cheesecake Stuffed French Toast turned out to epic in proportions.  Two giant slabs of challah bread, filled with pumpkin cream cheese and graham cracker crumbs, then given a generous dusting of cinnamon and powdered sugar, served with a dollop of whipped cream and a mini-pitcher of maple syrup.  This dish tasted amazingly good.  I teared up a little bit after having a bite of her dish, and this time, it wasn’t because I had just snorted a teaspoon full of Tabasco sauce (but that’s an entirely different story for an entirely different time).  This dish will have no problems satisfying even the most ravenous of breakfast seekers, although in my opinion, it could use a little bacon worked in there somewhere.  I guess that’d pretty much nix it for vegetarian options though.  You can’t please everybody.

I ordered the What Came First, the Chicken or the Egg? dish. A boneless fried chicken breast on a biscuit, with a poached egg on another biscuit, served up with a ground beef and sausage gravy.  This dish could have been fantastic, but it fell a little short of expectations.  The flavor is definitely there, as is the presentation.  However, the chicken breast was less of a breast portion and more along the size of a large wing.  The amount of gravy was also a bit on the light side for a description that mentions “smothered”, and simply did not come in a large enough portion to accommodate two biscuits in the order.  Luckily, me being me, I was prepared for such an event to occur.

Did I mention I’m a huge glutton?  Or have you just figured that out by now?

Miss Shirley’s also offers a short stack order of any of their specialty pancakes, and I felt it necessary strictly for restaurant review purposes to try one of their specialty pancake orders.  I ordered the Cinnamon Danish Pancakes- two enormous pancakes coated in cinnamon and sugar, and then coated with a cream cheese icing, served with whipped cream and maple syrup, just in case you weren’t sure that you’d be getting enough sugar here to put you in a diabetic coma for the next two weeks.  I have to say that these fit right up with my opinion of Jen’s french toast…amazing.  The only way to make them better?  Find a way to infuse bacon in there.  Really though, these pancakes were off the chain good.

Service is quick and courteous, and my cup of coffee was rarely left empty.  I can vouch for their pancakes and french toast, but the lilliputian chicken breast portion left something to be desired.  That being said, the pancakes combined with the breakfast dish I ordered sufficiently filled me up, but not everybody is going to order like that.

If you’re in Baltimore and looking for a good breakfast or brunch, look no further.  Miss Shirley’s is a win in my book, and I anxiously look forward to another opportunity to eat up there again.

Miss Shirley’s Cafe has two locations in Balitmore.  See the Inner Harbor location on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Casual Breakfasts
• Vegetarians
• Lazy Saturdays
• Slothlike Sundays
• An alternative to the megachains along the Inner Harbor
• Tiger Woods, looking for an alternative to Perkins

Not Recommended For:

• Carbaphobes
• People with Diabeetus
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters
• Velociraptors
• Robocop

I saw this recipe on Saveur originally using chorizo, which I’m sure also works well. The real trick here is using a cured meat that’ll really complement the brussel sprouts. I’ll have to find a local farmer that sells thick cut bacon and give that variation a try. For this recipe, I happened to have a large block of bresaola ham that my Mom gave me, and I figured this would be a perfect time to use it.  I removed the step of blanching the brussel sprouts because it didn’t make a ton of difference in the final dish, and it seemed more time consuming than necessary.

adapted from Saveur:

Ingredients:

• Kosher salt, to taste (I used just a pinch)
• 1 lb. Brussels sprouts, rinsed, trimmed, and halved lengthwise
  
• 2 tbsp. grapeseed oil or other high temperature smoke point oil
• 1 cup Bresaola ham, cut into 1/2″ cubes
  
• 3 shallots, finely chopped
  
• 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
  
• Freshly ground black pepper, to taste

Directions:

1. Heat a large cast iron skillet on high.  I made do with a small cast iron skillet, but a larger one will definitely save you some time.  Test the heat by adding a droplet of water to the skillet.  If it dances like a meth addict at an all-night rave in the middle of the Arizona desert, you’re good to go.
2. Add 1tbsp grapeseed oil to the skillet, followed by the garlic and shallots.  Reduce the heat down to a medium high, and stir for 2 minutes.
   
3. Add the bresaola ham, continuing to stir for 5 minutes.  The ham should start to have some charring on the sides, with the shallots turning translucent.
4. Using an oven mitt, remove the cast iron skillet from heat and transfer the contents to a bowl.  Set aside, and return the pan to the range.
5. Add 1 tbsp of grapeseed oil to the skillet, and place the sliced brussel sprouts into the pan, facing down.  Be careful of the oil, which will likely pop up and try to take bites out of you like a vicious chihuahua.  I used wooden chopsticks to add the brussel sprouts to the skillet, but a pair of metal tongs would work, too.  Let the brussel sprouts cook for approximately 5-8 minutes, until the side facing down starts to char.  Flip the brussel sprouts over, allowing to cook for another 5 minutes.
   
6. Now that the brussel sprouts have been cooked a bit, add the shallot and bresoala ham mix back into the skillet.  Mix thoroughly, and cook for an additional 2-3 minutes.
7. Remove contents from the skillet, and serve.

Pretty easy!  This dish makes approximately four servings.  For a hammier version, add an additional cup of bresaola ham, but I liked using this dish as a side to a portion of meat, so the bresaola was added more for its flavor and texture rather than being my primary source of protein in this meal.  This dish goes great with a portion of sausage, or a pair of fried eggs on top.

Enjoy!

Mezza Luna doesn’t particularly stand out amongst its neighbors on 19th street, which I have deemed ‘the less fun version of Adam’s Morgan’.  Truth be told, the restaurants along 19th street in NW shine their brightest during the week, serving lunch to the droves of businesses that hold the majority of the commercial retail space there.

Despite the slight difficulty in finding the restaurant (you have to descend a set of stairs from the street level to garner entrance), Jen and I eagerly looked forward towards our dinner there.  Inside, the layout and design was…less than aesthetically pleasing.  A large bar area filled the left portion of the restaurant, illuminated by strips of blue LED lights, reflecting tirelessly against the polished chrome barstools.  Dallas Cowboys propaganda fan memorabilia proudly adorns the walls.

We had barely walked in and already, this place was not going in a good direction.

To the right, several tables and booths filled the remainder of the restaurant.  Our reservations were for 9:00pm, which is not an unusually late dinner, but not late enough to explain a mostly empty restaurant.

Not good.

We looked around, and save for a few girls sitting at the bar and a handful of wait staff milling about, Jen and I were one of four groups of patrons here for dinner.  We were taken to a booth closest to the entrance of the restaurant, and started reading over the menu.  Our waiter, a diligent young man, arrived three times checking to see if we had decided what we were going to order before actually making our decision.  Well, let me rephrase that.  Jen knew in about 10 seconds what she wanted for dinner, I took a RIDICULOUS amount of time being tempted between an inordinate selection of pastas.

We put our order in and really took in our surroundings.  There was a private section for staff behind Jen, and a large white coated plywood area where a man (who I assumed was the manager) stood, observing the restaurant.  I made the comment to Jen that if it were a manager’s observation section, it should be raised higher up on a platform and more closed off, instead of making it look like a cheap cashier’s counter like it actually did.  Aside from the bar, very little was remarkable about the restaurant.  The furniture was contemporary, the walls adorned with paintings, mirrors, and a lonely potted plant did its best to camouflage the pillar that stood behind it.  It all seemed a bit too effortless, and not in a positive way.

To my point earlier, I’m sure that passes well enough for patrons during the week who stop in for a quick lunch, but for a dinner, it really negatively affects the people seeking a meal out in the town.

Our appetizers arrived quickly, thankfully, and we dove right in.

Jen’s Mozzarella Caprese came out with great presentation, but fell short of being a satisfying appetizer.  Neither of us could quite pinpoint what it was about her dish that was lacking, but something was definitely amiss.  Like awesomeness.

I ordered the Calamari Fritti, which again, remained fairly unremarkable, and started to get me worrying that this was how the entire evening was going to play out.  The portion was good, the calamari was fried well, and nothing about this dish was bad.  But nothing about this dish was great, either.

We cleared our food and as our waiter cleared our plates, we suddenly realized that the rest of the staff was clearing the room.  Being the last patrons in the restaurant, I guess they didn’t really see the need to keep the tables out on the floor.

But no, that wasn’t quite it.  There wasn’t a cleaning crew idling around with a mop bucket.  The wait staff were quickly piling chairs and tables into the corner behind us, which again, totally ruined the idea that we were even at a restaurant.

I noticed an African American woman carrying two cases with her towards the white plywood cashier’s desk, and instantly realized what was happening.  She walked back outside, and came back carrying two more bags, and began setting up behind Jen.  She disappeared for a few seconds, and then slowly stood up, holding a CD turntable in her hand, which she gently placed on the desk…and I instantly realized what was happening.

We were slowly watching the restaurant turn into a club.

As I looked around us, I made a second important realization.  This wasn’t an ordinary club night.  How do I say this?

Aside from the guys working at Mezza Luna, I was the only man there.  Several groups of girls congrated near the bar, a few at a table, and a strange Voltron-looking thing that was sipping on a cocktail, but otherwise, the place was slowly filling up with women.  It wasn’t really a problem for me, but I definitely got some strange looks, as if I didn’t belong.

Our entrees arrived, and our focus was back on to the food.

My Pesto Chicken Fettuccine was surprisingly…outstanding.  The noodles tasted fresh, the pesto cream sauce was rich with flavor, and the chicken was tender and juicy.  Bits of wilted baby spinach, pine nuts, and roasted red peppers all helped in really making this dish much better than just average.  and A complete 180 from the calamari, I was really pleased with this dish.

Jen’s Quattro Formaggi Ravioli was equally as good.  The ravioli was cooked al dente, and the tomato basil cream sauce tasted super fresh, as if the chefs were making the last dishes of the night.

Which, I guess, they were.

I suppose this better explained the big rush our waiter had us in at the beginning of the meal, to get us through before the club patrons started to pour in.  By the time we were finishing up our meal, the lights had been cut and the jams were pumping out the speakers.

Mezza Luna’s strength clearly comes out in their pastas, but as a restaurant, in very little other ways.  They proudly hold a ladies-only club event, Socalite Saturdays, every first Saturday night of the month, starting at 10:30pm.  The event benefits The DC Center and the Women in Life Association, who both fight for the rights and social justice of the LGBT community.

I’d assume that the place gets crazy with all three Dallas Cowboys fans in DC during the fall as well.

See Mezza Luna on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Dallas Cowboys Fans
• Pastafarians
• Girls Who Like Girls Over Boys
• Vegetarians

Not Recommended For:

• Wedding Receptions
• Impressing Your Date with Hard to Get Reservations
• Romantic Dinners
• Paleoheads
• Zone Dieters

Mystery. Secrets. Espionage. All these things make for a great spy themed story. From what I’ve heard, the attached Spy Museum of DC really plays up these things, but unfortunately, as a restaurant, Zola can only do so much in incorporating these ideas into the theme of the restaurant.

Let’s start with the restaurant itself. An elongated bar presents itself immediately to your left as your enter and approach the hostess stand, with seating for dining to the right. The design here is contemporary, but nothing too flashy or forward thinking to offend the eyes. If you walk straight towards the back of the establishment, you can see a staircase to your right that leads up to a walled off ceiling, which looks a bit odd, but the fact that the owners decided to save the staircase instead of gutting it is appreciable nonetheless. The restrooms in the very back can only be accessed by passing through a secret compartment wall, which plays into the spy theme nicely.

The wait staff here is friendly, humble, and best of all, actually knowledgeable about their food and wine. Jen ordered a glass of something something that smells like grapes to me, which to her, tasted a little off. Now bear in mind, Jen is RARELY picky about her wine, and will drink just about any sort of wine that’s given to her. The waiter suggested she try the Dona Paula Malbec they had on hand, which really impressed her. And if she’s happy, well, damn, I’m happy too.

Zola started our meal off with a chicken liver mousse with a fig spread on a small toast flotation device, compliments of the chef, which I happily swooped in on and took out both in a blink of an eye.  Nothing too extraordinary, but pretty tasty all the same.

For her dinner, Jen split her order between the Porcini Mushroom Ravioli and the Brussel Sprouts with Shiitake Mushrooms, topped with Parmesan Cheese.

The ravioli definitely looks a little on the light side for me, but for Jen, coupled with the brussel sprouts, it turned out to be the perfect amount.  Despite the small portion (and granted, it is an appetizer), the raviolis pack a signifcant amount of mushroom flavor with each bite.  The marsala sabayon helps give the dish some depth, and everything about the presentation makes this a winner.

The brussel sprouts are served in a minature cast iron pan, although they don’t have the char that denotes being cooked in a cast iron skillet, but likely a cook over the range and tossed into the oven to melt the parmesan cheese.  An excellent side dish that isn’t too overwhelming, but a large enough portion to shared with another.

I ordered the “American Hot Pot”, a hodgepodge of seafood and chorizo cooked in a tomato broth, served with a heavily buttered sweet corn quinoa foothill with a bridge of toast.  There’s got to be some sort of metaphor here of bridging something something to the land of seafood and pork, but I wasn’t getting it.  I was getting the heavy use of delicious butter in the quinoa, which likely wasn’t the healthiest of dining selections, but certainly worth eating.

Zola’s “Straight Forward American Cuisine” self-description is certainly befitting to the food here.  Nothing stands out as extraordinary, but nothing is completely disappointing, either.  Many of the other diners there were well dressed and on either a mission to impress their dates, or seeking a special night out.  Jen and I rolled up in our patchiest of patchy granola pants with our hair done up in dreadlock rasta with a single care in the world.  The setting here is definitely edging towards the upscale, and the same can be said about the service.  The food here, however, is above average at best, without being particularly memorable but undoubtedly satisfying.  I wholly believe that if the kitchen took some effort to revitalize their menu offerings with the right chef, Zola could be a much more desirable dining destination.

See Zola on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Out of Towners
• Fancy First Dates
• Vegetarians
• Paleo heads
• Zone dieters
• Butter Buffs

Not Recommended For:

• Gastronomic Gallivanters
• Quick Dinners
• Double Agent Double Dates
• Trashy Hobos
• Fat Phobics

Oh Mexico is one of nine restaurants owned by the V&E Group throughout South Beach and Miami.  This particular establishment was a referral by the concierge of our hotel as a decent place to get Mexican food for a light lunch, but still within walking distance of our hotel.

Now that I was well accustomed to the rules of dining at South Beach restaurants, Jen and I actually caught the Menu Girl off guard to seat us.  Usually it’s the other way around.  A pretty girl who I call, appropriately, the Menu Girl, is used as the bait for most restaurants to lure in passerbys (see also: men) in eating at a particular restaurant.

Having just missed the lunch rush, we got a great table along Espanola Way (where a heavy Latin influence can be seen, natch) for people watching and to enjoy the warm air.  The picnic style tables proudly show their patina in the Miami sun, as weathered as the sunscreen-free faces that skitter along the streets of the city.

Oh Mexico offers a vast array of specialty Margaritas that tend to be on the most expensive side at around $11 each, but definitely don’t skimp on the alcohol or quality.  Jen’s margarita gave me a buzz immediately followed by a wicked hangover just thinking about it.  A little bit light on the quantity, but these drinks manage to arrive as a veritable parade float nonetheless.

We split an order of the guacamole to accompany the fresh tortilla chips as our appetizer.  While it wasn’t really anything to write home about (which, I suppose, I’m doing right now.  Damnit.) it manages to be your standard array of fresh guacamole and a trio of salsas.  If you’re absolutely dying for some guacamole, this’ll do the trick, but given the opportunity, I doubt I’d order this one again.

Oh Mexico’s specialty are their Molcajetes – giant stone mortars filled with tomato sauce, vegetables, melted cheeses, chorizo, meats, and a side of soft corn tortillas.  The stone mortar helps keep this dish bubbling and hot well after being delivered to your table, with an impressive display of Mexicanery.

The meats were well prepared, and the spicy tomato sauce is literally making my mouth water just remembering how good this dish was.  I felt a little cheated in the cheese department, as the only cheese in this dish is about as much as you can see from the photo above, but everything else about this beef molcajete was a win for me.

While this restaurant isn’t going to win any awards, they do make an effort to create a unique dining experience with their own dishes and drinks.  As with most restaurants in South Beach, a 17% gratuity is included in your bill, and prices are a little bit more on the high range for lunch (the beef molcajete was $19).  The scenery is a little less exciting than what you find strolling along Ocean Drive, but the food is still satisfying to the last bite.  I’m certain there are better Mexican places that simply need to be discovered by Jen and I, but to satiate that craving, Oh Mexico fits the bill.

Oh Mexico can be seen on a map here.

Recommended For:

• Paleo heads
• Zone dieters
• Vegetarians
• Parade Junkies
• Margaritaville Mayhem

Not Recommended For:

• Frugalistas
• Mexi-snobos

Jen and I were out to meet some of her friends at the Bimini Boatyard & Grill in Fort Lauderdale, just a short drive from the busy streets of South Beach.  It has all the pre-requisites for an interesting evening.

• Yellow Lamborghini Gallardo parked out front, surrounded by orange safety cones?  Check.
• Boat dock waterfront location? Check.
• Blonde grabbing her tit at a police cruiser slowly creeping by in the parking lot? Check.

The restaurant inside is themed just as the name would imply.  Not so heavy on the pirates, scurvy, or people throwing up out the windows necessarily, but more of the whitewashed wood walls, nautical instruments, and a fantastic view of the moonlit piers that sit behind the property.  There’s a large bar immediately to the left of the entrance where we met up with Jen’s friends, and we quickly were escorted to our booth.  We were originally supposed to have a table near the windows to enjoy the view of the docks, but were seated in a totally different location.  Not wanting to create a big fuss, we took our seat, and started into exploring the menu.

Bimini offers a large expanse of selections, from seafood (natch), steaks, and pastas.  We were immediately informed that the restaurant had unfortunately run out of the prime rib, filet mignon, and grouper, but we otherwise we were still given a fairly sizeable menu to choose from.  The ‘World Famous Bimini Bread’ was an obvious start, as well was the Bimini Seafood Chowder.

The bread comess out as a pre-sliced honey glazed loaf that tears apart into perfectly bite sized shreds.  As the restaurant specialty, Bimini knocks this one out of the park.  Maybe not ‘the most amazing bread’ I’ve ever had, but still, very, very good.  I was almost a little upset there was so little, because this dish goes fast between four people.  I did, however, find some contentment in the soup that came soon thereafter.

Bimini’s Chowder pushes the envelope of chowderdom by presenting a rich tomato based one rather than one that comes out in the typical white variety you’d expect.  The soup is aromatic, flavorful, and loaded to the gills with seafood and vegetables.  The large island of potato you see on the eastern shore was a bit odd, as if the chef just dropped a giant chunk of potato in while ever other vegetable was cut to small pieces, but it was almost better for me, as I wasn’t really planning on eating it.

And the square bowl?  Well look who’s wearing fancy pants now.

As we sat there and chewed the fat, getting to know each other better and getting up to date with the ongoings of our lives, the waitress came back, and let us know that unfortunately one of the meat dishes and one of the fish dishes had also run out, as well as the baked potato side that was ordered.

For those of you not keeping a tally at home, let’s do a quick recap of what Bimini’s out of:

• Red Meats: 3
• Fish: 2
• Potatoes: 1

We put in a new order for fish, as well as some asparagus instead of the baked potato, and the waitress went to get our new orders in. So we waited.  And we waited.  And we waited.

And as our empty drink glasses began to pile up, we waited some more.

Meteorites the size of Mexico with the sole galactic purpose of obliterating the Earth of all life and habitability don’t come crashing down as fast as our approval of this place.

So what we’re non verbally told is that we’re at a restaurant that doesn’t serve food. Or alcohol.  Just guff.  Lots of excuses, apologies, and guff.  I think I would have even accepted tears at this point as something to placate me.

Several days later, our food finally arrived.  One of Jen’s friend’s entree had a fish that vaguely resembled a shoe sole, with an ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes.  My blackened black grouper even had less of a resemblance of anything edible.

I’ve seen Great Dane’s drop off presents in the grass that look more edible than that.  And in all likelihood, I probably would have enjoyed it more, too.  What do you think of fish?

No, I mean a real fish.

You think of something soft, flaky, and tender, right?  Not dry, stringy, and with more varicose veins underneath than, well… more varicose veins than

I didn’t even know fish had veins!

We stared at the mashed potatoes for a second, and gave some serious questioning as to why they were even there.  As we launched an all out nuclear strike on the waitress, even she looked at the mashed potatoes and said, “Oh, that’s weird.  You’re not supposed to have those.”

What?

I can’t even begin to explain how confusing this place was.  Were we being pranked by a radio station? MTV? What the hell was going on here?  I polished off the majorit of my sweet potato fries and broccolini, but left the fish virtually untouched.  As did Jen’s friends, who weren’t even afforded the luxury of having reasonable sides to eat.  Jen fared a bit better with her pasta, which was edible, but nothing noteworthy.

Infuriated, we suggested that we not be charged for the three entrees that weren’t eaten, and the waitress agreed.  She did spend a good bit of time profusely apologizing, citing reasons that ranged from the fact that the chef wasn’t working that evening to the fact that the large menu was probably too ambitious for a restaurant of its size.  While her excuses were great for planting your spring flowers, they didn’t really do much else for us.  The fact that the restaurant kitchen couldn’t produce too many edible dishes without the chef was a bit alarming, but the fact that our waitress didn’t exactly do a great job trying to make sure our drinks were filled didn’t really help, either.  So where was the chef?

Ah, I see.  He’s busy in the creative process, Googling the latest fantastic Billy Mays products.  Why not?

I wouldn’t ever, ever, ever go back here.  I ended up stopping by the grocery store and eating a pack of deli ham and some pineapple cubes, which were immensely better than my experience at Bimini Boatyard and Grill.  While Bimini does serve some great bread and soup, I wouldn’t expect them to have either of those things should you ever visit, and feel enormously blessed that we were served any food at all.  Should you happen to be forced to eat here, may Jebus have mercy on your soul.

See Bimini on a map here.

Not Recommended For:

• Vegans
• Paleo heads
• Vegetarians
• Frugalistas
• First Dates
• Anniversary Dinners
• Bar-mitzvahs
• Seafood
• Meat’n'Potato types
• Atmosphere
• Service
• Bea Arthur
• Betty White
• Rue McClanahan
• Estelle Getty