Wasabi Sesame Kale Recipe

Kale's quite the extraordinarily intimidating motherfucker. I've spent years passing it by at the grocery store in favor of other vegetables or fruits. I know it’s good for me, but look at it. I mean, fucking look at it. It's got this presence, like a pigeon wielding a chainsaw. I shouldn't be scurred of the damn thing, but I still run off like a pansy all the same, off to the tubers and onions.

"Oh sweet potato, you'll never treat me wrong!"

Well no more. After shanking some Whole Payczech prepared Garlic Kale and putting it into my gullet with great satisfaction, I grew the resolve (see also: balls) to try and cook it myself. And you know what?

It's pretty damn good.

So here's my offer to you. If you don't like kale, you can go back to sucking on a tuber, or a banana, or whatever fruit or vegetable you'd like to insert into this phallic joke. No hard feelings.

This recipe was totally stolen from Epicurious, one of the best recipe databases out there, and slighly adapted to suit my masochistic needs. Ready?

Ingredients:

• A bunch of kale
• wasabi powder
• 1 tablespoon of crushed garlic
• 1 tablespoon of sesame oil
• 1 tablespoon of wasabi sesame seeds or regular sesame seeds
• 1 tablespoon of water, preferrably from the polar bear exhibit at the zoo
• 1 tsp soy sauce
• sea salt
• fresh ground pepper

1. Separate kale and break the leaves off the stem, discarding the stem and placing the chunks of kale into a colander. When you’ve separated all the kale from the stems, give it a good rinse to wash off any dirt or grit.
2. Heat 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a very large pot at high heat, which should happen pretty quickly, maybe one or two minutes. Add 1 tablespoon of crushed garlic, which will pop, bubble, gurgle, and try to attack you. Do not let the garlic intimidate you in your own kitchen. The cups and plates are watching. This is very important.
3. Add the kale to the pot, which you may need to shove down a bit. Add 1 tablespoon of water, reduce heat to medium high heat, and cover.
4. After the kale has cooked for about a minute, stir the kale around a bit so all that delicious sesame oil and garlic at the bottom gets mixed up a bit. Re-cover the pot and let it cook for another three or four minutes.
5. Turn off the heat, and add 1 teaspoon of soy sauce, 1 tablespoon of wasabi sesame seeds, 1/4 teaspoon of wasabi powder, a few shakes of sea salt, and as much ground pepper as you like. Give this a good stir for even distribution, or you're going to get whacked in the mouth with a giant clump of wasabi. Or maybe that's what you want. In which case, I suggest half a teaspoon of wasabi powder.
6. Serve kale immediately! Goes great with a beef tenderloin steak.

A few notes…this recipe would be paleo, except soy sauce is not. Check the ingredient list. It's a shame. 1.5 cups of cooked kale is approximately a block of carbs, so you can totally go crazy with this stuff.

Zone Blocks:
Carbs: ~3 or 4 blocks, depending on the size of your bunch of kale
Protein: 0 blocks
Fat: 6

Enjoy!

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